the wild unknown

As he stood behind me tapping on my shoulder, I could hear him whispering, “Okay, clear the hands first. Looks like you have seven chakras out. Oh, there is something else.  Is it with the thinking? No, not wrong thinking.  With spirit? Yes. Seems like your spirit wants to be doing something else with your life. Massage? Retreats? Astrology?  No. Something I am missing? Yes.  Seems like you will need to figure that out for yourself, but seems like your soul is wanting to do something new.  Something about helping other souls. Now lets check your lumbar spine.”

This continued as he realigned and unwound and reworked each area that he asked my body about. I used to ask him how he was reading this stuff and had a strong interest in discovering his secrets, but his simple answers always came back, “Its not mystical or anything.  Your body is telling me.”

As I left the absolutely magical (I don’t care what he says) Chiropractor, Dr. Joe, I felt a peace and relaxation I hadn’t felt in over a month. Totally tuned up, and with a renewed interest in what it possibly could be that my soul is wanting to do with my life! I thought I WAS doing what my soul wanted to do!

Back in 2011 I had a total breakdown. On the outside everything looked totally stable: Husband, gorgeous house, awesome kid, successful blog and vintage business, and plenty of money; but on the inside I was constantly attempting to crawl out of my skin, completely depressed, disempowered, and wanting to die.

I was not living my soul’s purpose. And it was very obvious things needed to change. Fast forward to today, I am now divorced and in an incredibly fulfilling relationship, living in an epic historical house, have another beautiful awesome child (a baby girl), have a successful massage and shamanic therapies business, enough money to cover my needs, and I feel Pretty Amazing! So what is it?? When can I finally call it good, complete, done? 

Well my friends, my internal answer to this question is simple: We are never done. We get to keep growing and changing and learning and creating.

So, this morning I woke to find a beautiful sweet note through Etsy from a girl named Dorit who used to read this blog, back in the day.  As I read it, I felt all of these sweet feelings flood through me and remembered how awesome it was to write and connect with people through my writing. Right then I did a tarot reading for myself (with a new deck I just got from The Wild Unknown) and discovered that its time to let some old saboteurs within die, and reinvent my creative expression.

Creating from a place of excitement is where I am starting! AND I am really super excited about Astrology, Tarot, and Writing.  So here we go!

Starting tomorrow Ill be posting an astrological tarot reading on my new website and blog whitemetallungs.com, for whoever happens to see it. Some days I’ll write my interpretation and some days I’ll video it.

I’ll be pulling one card for the center to represent the person receiving the reading (anyone who happens to be into it) and a card for each house in an astrology chart.  There are 12 houses all representing a different aspect of our lives. So it’s a pretty rounded reading giving a bit of perspective on how we can make the most of our day energetically. We’ll see what happens!

 Thanks for following along! 

Christina Luna

Second Time Around

So, this happened. 

Loving.

Every.

Moment.

Aaaaaaand I'm back. 

What a great and amazing couple of years. 

Energy is the new black.

Let me sum up the past year- I did NOT get the vintage house I was longing for it the post below.  Instead, I accepted that sometimes I am not the master of my life and there is indeed a greater plan.  Surrendering to that lead me into something so much better. On October 1,  2013, I moved into a much more perfectly fitting historical home right on the main street of my town, and opened a wellness center. We (my love, boy, dog, kittens, and I) live upstairs, and downstairs we offer regular yoga classes, massage and body work, meditation groups, retreats, and a variety of classes. We call it One Studio 395.

Its a dream come true. A true testament to the power of our creative force. Since October, an abundance of beautiful things have happened!  

So much LOVE! 

And Kittens!

And Downward Facing Dogs! 

And a Garden Grown From Seed! (its a work in progress)

And still a little Vintage! 

And so much more. Over the past year I have been studying and learning lots of new things. I am in the final lessons of a South American Shamanic journey through the Medicine Wheel. Its taught me so much about myself, my shadows and how we are all connected through energy. Its also taught  me how to work with the chakras, clearing dense energy and trauma, cut energetic cords, retrieve parts of the soul that have splintered off, past life regression, ancestor work, and to heal myself and others through the power of forgiveness and love. It has been a very humbling and empowering experience that have allowed me to really move in to the grace of this life. We are offering this journey at One Studio now, starting in October!! 

In addition to all of the massage, energy, and shamanic work I have been doing, I have also been offering Astrology readings. By a crazy, lovely, synchronistic turn of events, I realized, finally, that I was given the ability to recognize and feel these incredible energetic cycles and interpret them in practical language for the purpose of self acceptance, acceptance of others, renewed perspective, and the overall peace that comes with understanding that the ENTIRE universe is conspiring to help us! It started at these monthly women's groups I was attending where I would just give a little summary about the current cycles, and sort of morphed into a class and then personal readings. I am excited to write more about this on my new blog: onestudio395.com.

This will be the last post from me at this site. This chapter now feels more than complete. I wanted to post here one last time so that I could clear any connection to this space and to reestablish some of the connections I loved while I was bringing energy here. If you read this, and if you feel like reconnecting, I am ready. I'm also on Facebook. My name is Christina Luna but you might have more luck finding me on my page for One Studio. I would love to begin a community of bloggers again though. I have missed it tremendously. 

If you are reading this, thank you. For being a witness to my life. You have been a mirror that's helped me to see myself so much more clearly. 

So much Love,

Christina Luna

Manifest

I woke up this morning feeling like I am already in that space. I kept my eyes closed and imagined that I was in that little vintage bedroom with its minty sage walls and fuzzy rugs and hardwood floors and that I would step into my little slippers and make fresh coffee with my coffee press and watch the sun come up through the east facing kitchen window with its deep window sill where I have placed a few ripening tomatoes that just came off the plants the day before, straight from my garden.  I imagined that those tomatoes were picked just a wee bit too soon by my over eager son, who just couldn’t wait any longer after watching them grow from little white flowers to the green, then orangey red bursts.  Fragrant earthy coffee filed my senses, warm sunlight, orange, green, yellow, blue. Musical birds. This is going to happen.  AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY.

I FOUND IT. The house. The little old lady house, built in the 50’s, original vintage kitchen with teal metal counter tops and deep cast iron sink with built in washboard, and the hardwood floors and established herb garden and private back patio canopied with grapevines (four different varietals!!) and twinkle lights strung across and right next to the farmers market and summer concerts in the park and zoned commercial (owner: “so you can run a little business out of your home if you like!”) and the cellar originally used for canning and the big old fireplace and radiator and OH MY EFFING GOODNESS the rent is a couple hundred LESS than what I am paying now!!!! I found it yesterday just driving around, sniffing around, flying around with my eagle eyes. The woman who owns it just happens to be a massage therapist as well and disclosed to me that she too divorced when her child was seven and with the bit of settlement money she got, she put money down on that house and signed up for massage school. Both massage and that house have served her ever since, and now she is engaged and in the most loving relationship and they are renovating a little old place together and she couldn’t be more happy. WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

I freaking applied. We will see what happens!! The closets are VERY tiny so I will have to get very ingenious about storage, but I am up for that challenge.

Before I get to move and store a bunch of stuff though, I am going to try to sell it all! I started listing right after I turned in my application yesterday! Making that space. Manifestation and shit like that.

So we will see!! Life is freaking miraculous and amazing. That is all I have to say.

AIRAVATA

So, although I don’t have a retail shop set up in my house selling oddities and witchy knick-knacks yet, I am getting close. Currently my house is overloaded with some of the most interesting, random, and amazing objects. My friend Kai has a pretty keen eye for unique home goods and has been collecting things for a while.  When I told him he would be a natural “Etsy Seller” he agreed to let me show him the ropes, and brought over a few boxes containing his favorites. This guy has got my number. Carved wood altar pieces, animal skulls, mid century wooden trays, unique ceramic jars and pots, AND BOOTS, like woven kilim boots, that made my mouth salivate and my palms sweat and if they had been just a tad bigger would have been his payment to me for helping him set up a pretty kick ass online home goods shop (if I do say so myself).  AIRIVATAhome is the name of his shop.

I have been away from etsy and vintage and all of that selling business for a while, so it was kind of fun to see how the apps and programs have changed in the past couple of years. I even got pretty excited and have decided to start selling vintage again. It’s so funny though, I am so excited about the stuff Kai keeps bringing over for his shop that I just want to focus on home stuff. I have so much vintage still, dresses and blouses and coats and shoes and boots and belts and accessories that I held on to when I liquidated “just in case” I decided to come back. I have not listed any of my things yet, but I probably will now that Kai is all up and running. 

You can see his shop at AIRAVATAhome.

Also, I promised my grandma that I would begin blogging regularly again.  We have had a few scary weeks regarding my grandpa and his health. Reconnecting with them and many of my root people, have shifted my priorities tremendously. All of this is actually really exciting for me. I am really looking forward to getting back in touch with people. Picking up the dropped threads.

Experience

I wrote the following fantasy on January 17^th of last year. A little over a year ago. I had no idea at the time that fantasy was a strong form of manifestation. 

I have been fantasizing about opening an oddities shop where I sell crystals and candles and bells and bones and other witchy knick-knacks. In the back room, through the wood beaded veil, I’ll have a table draped with printed silk and I will read palms and do tarot readings. I will ask for your birthday, time and location and tell you your moon and sun signs, rising sign, and where the planets appear in your houses.  Then I will tell you what that all means. The information will hit home with you and you will leave with a greater sense of purpose, an understanding of your place in the universe, and the grace and ease that comes with the confidence that everything is exactly as it should be.  Ideally, my shop will be in the floor level of an old house that my family lives in. As customers come in a bell will ring, but when no one comes in, I will just be at home with my family. The shop will be open most times, unless I am not home (and after 7 pm). I will drink tea and invite groups of friends and philosophers to come over to tea. Perhaps it will be a central meeting place for a book club or a drum circle.  There will be an area for meditation and yoga. I will also have lots of plants growing in a beautiful window wall.  Kilim rugs and other woven textiles will line the floors and walls. My personal collection of oddities, carved book holders, brass crabs, bundles of dried sage, will fill shelves and deep windowsills. Vintage chairs and tables will be situated randomly. A basket overflowing with brightly woven Mexico blankets will casually ask all who enter to bundle up and stay a while.  I will play music. Whatever is tickling my feet to bump around at the moment.  And there will be books everywhere. For sale, rent or trade. I will try to read all of them and organize them in a way that makes sense to me so that when someone comes in looking for something they might be turned on to something in a different subject, but maybe leaning in their direction of interest. And of course I will be able to find exactly what they are looking for when they come in asking, “I just want to know what types of things I can eat and do to balance my internal organ function with the changing seasons.”  I will direct them to a practical guide on Eastern Medicine, or some such, and send them home with a little bag of herb tea to sip while they read in a sunny window, my acupuncturist’s phone number, and a big warm smile.   This shop will be profitable, but really just enough to pay the bills and fund more finding and collecting to keep it freshly stocked.  People will come, more and more, all by word of mouth.  It will be aesthetically pleasing and interesting. Visitors will see something new each time they come in.   I may even sell vintage clothing. Leather boots and purses will line the wall in one room and above it will be a line of easily wearable day dresses and sweaters.  Wallpaper. Beautiful wallpaper.  A beautiful little space that I can live a simple life in.

The writing went on to expose an internal paradox I was experiencing at the time. On one side of the paradox: Attachment- the fear of this fantasy and all that its fruition entailed, including losing my current house, the restructuring of the foundation the last 13 years of my life was built on, and the consequences of such restructuring. The other side of the paradox: Freedom- letting go of my foundation and all that tied me to it, allowing for creation and reinvention.  My heart's unquenchable longing for this fantasy to become my authentic reality was pounding on me and forcing me to come to terms with the fact shit was about to change. "Get yourself ready," it beat into me. 

And man, did shit ever change. Starting massage school began a cascading, cataclysmic, and completely healing and transformative process that I am still engaged in nearly a year later. So much has happened I don’t even know where to start. How about this, another excerpt from my “prophesy” statement from last January:

I feel like I have been living in a dream state. Or waking from one. Every time I clean a toilet I am aware that I may not be cleaning this toilet by the end of this year. I may be cleaning a different one. One that someone else I don’t know has been shitting in for years. There might even be some of their piss under the tile that can never be reached.

Life is not without irony. I have moved. I moved out of my house. Into a little rental. And yes, its filled with all the things I mentioned in the fantasy above, the good: kilim pillows and rugs and mexico blankets and sage and meditation and yoga spaces and books and tea and drumming and all of that stuff, and it had the sort-of gross: the remnants of the prior occupants pee at the crease between the foot of the toilet and the linoleum floor (but seriously, it wasn't that bad. A little windex cleans everything.)  And the reason I moved is that I divorced my husband. And the reason I divorced my husband is complicated, as you would expect. Pages can be written about this, but the simple reason was that it was time for us to part ways. The rest of my fantasy is still coming to fruition. The tarot/palm reading part isn’t quite happening yet, but massage and energy healing is on the horizon. People do come to my house for healing. And we have tea and I send books home with them. 

I had been doing so much internal changing and shifting, as recorded in the later entries of this blog, but over the last year I finally started changing the exterior environment of my life. It has been my experience that internal change is not enough. Once authentic internal changes take place, the outside material world must shift to reflect it. It’s the law of correspondence (as discussed in an earlier post). I think more than anything the past year has taught me that its not enough to just read and understand concepts. Experiential knowing and doing creates a physical understanding and helps to form authentic truths.

There has been a whole lot of experiencing over the past year. 

Alchemy

I am starting massage therapy school tomorrow. THIS IS HUGE FOR ME. So you might recall that about this time last year I had a mini meltdown and sold all of my vintage stuff off in huge collections and virtually gave the rest away and quit the blog and went into a total hermetic state for a few months then came back in October and was talking all this sort of abstract, kind of ungrounded crazy talk, then retreated again until, like, a few weeks ago? Well, that's sort of what it might have looked like from here. And that is sort of what happened actually, but from where I am standing now, peering back over the year, A FEW HUNDRED SHIT TONS OF STUFF WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. I think I actually get the concept of alchemy now.

alchemy |ˈalkəmē|nounthe medieval forerunner of chemistry, based on the supposed transformation of matter. It was concerned particularly with attempts to convert base metals into gold or to find a universal elixir.• figurative a process by which paradoxical results are achieved or incompatible elements combined with no obvious rational explanation : his conducting managed by some alchemy to give a sense of fire and ice.

Ya. I went medieval on my own ass.  Not claiming that I am now made of solid gold or anything, but shit is purified and transformed. I know, I am sounding like a total bad ass right now (please read my humble sarcasm) but last night I finished a fitness challenge that I started 3 months ago at my local Mixed Martial Arts studio and I am totally and completely blown away by my stats. (I am a fitness machine.) Then finally FINALLY, I am heading toward a license that will actually allow me to touch and heal people through massage. These two things are seemingly unrelated, I realize, but to me they are actions of alchemy that are transforming my base metals into freaking sunshine.

Its obvious and concrete how the fitness challenge, intense and global, including weights and cardio and kicking and punching hard, and balance and diet, transformed my body from soft to hard (though flexible and agile), but the way I arrived at my decision to go to massage school (really just the next leg of my journey) takes a much more winding route, that totally started back when I was all, "I discovered my Dharma!" and shit, like a year and a half ago. Maybe I'll pull that post up for those that care to check it out. . .  naw, I'll just summarize since it was a long ass time ago: "Holy shit guys! I think the universe just opened up and gave me the gift of knowing EXACTLY why I have been put on this earth and all of the good things I am capable of and it was beautiful and incredible! But they only showed me in pictures, not words, and really, only the outcome, so I have to sort of figure out how in the hell I am supposed to do all this great shit now. . . "

Oh, by the way, the "great shit" was that I am to awaken people to see their own light. Plant seeds in their hearts so that they can grow spiritually and accomplish their own dharmas. I was excited about all of this, but feeling a little daunted by the task. Various reasons: I had seriously about ZERO friends in real life (though lots of friends on the internet living miles and miles away) and felt insecure about my ability to meet people and make new friends. Or NOT EVEN FRIENDS, just like people that want seeds planted in their hearts and shit by a total stranger. Ya. So there was that. Next, I got physically exhausted very easily and couldn't even muster the mental willingness or physical knowhow to plant any ACTUAL PLANT SEEDS, let alone spiritual seeds. So, there was that. On top of all of that stuff, I just BAAAAARLEY got my little dharma heart seedling planted when the herbicides of self doubt and insecurity almost shriveled them to dust. Obviously I had to take some time to nurture and grow my own seeds before I even dared give gardening advice.

So. Quit the blog. Tried to make real friends. Felt like I lost a few (due to my own reclusive nature and not keeping in contact via email and shit) Read a million books and tested out lots of crazy shit (some not so crazy, almost all super fun or incredibly interesting) Nearly blew up my brain and went to see a therapist (who helped me see why I had so much difficulty cultivating and keeping female relationships. HUGE huge work. Now I have a couple really real authentic friends and it feels really nice.) Thought maybe I would go back to college and get my masters degree in philosophy and signed up for some classes (Those just ended. The classes were not what I had hoped they would be BUT my professor was SO Great, this 70ish year old guy who had lived in New Orleans for about 40 years and was all into hypnotism and tarot cards and astrology and shit! We are friends now and meet up to discuss metaphysical matters and behavioral psychology. All I really wanted when I signed up for classes was to be able to shoot the shit with someone who had read and experienced WAY more than me so that worked out perfect.), then finally focused on strengthening my physical body and willpower through the fitness challenge, and now here I am. Beginning massage school.

Do I wish I would have known that massage school was the next length of the journey back a year ago? NO WAY. I had to do all that crazy stuff. Do I know EXACTLY what type of massage I will do or what I will do after?  Nope and it doesn't matter. I feel SO on my right path, so I am just going to stay present and keep on heading that direction. I was the whole time, even when I was lost and mixed up and sad and insecure.

I failed to journal about Universal Laws 3 and 4, the laws of vibration and duality, but its ok. They were huge ones for me though. Is anyone else doing it?

Over my head

I have 30 minutes. Boy has it been a long weeek. Lets just get started shall we.

The second Universal Law that I will be paying attention for the remainder of this week is The Law of Correspondence. Since I am trying to really get a good grasp of these things, I have included the definition of correspondence.

1 a close similarity, connection, or equivalence : there is a simple correspondence between the distance of a focused object from the eye and the size of its image on the retina.2 communication by exchanging letters with someone : the organizationengaged in detailed correspondence with local congressmen.• letters sent or received : his wife dealt with his private correspondence.


The internet explained this rule to me this way (These were copied from my notes in my journal and I failed to write down the link, but I think these definitions are universally recognized):

"As above, so below; As below, so above."
"Know thyself and thou salt know all the mysteries of the gods and universe." 

On a very simple level, I get this rule as our thoughts (as above) effect how we feel (so below) and how we feel effects our thoughts. Easy peasy.  My kid is crying on the way to school today, positive that he will have an awful day and that he will miss me. He cries harder. Harder crying makes him think that that bully at school will hurt him today. He bawls. I stop the car and reveal to him that he is just going around in a circle creating a cycle of sad. "STOP. Take a deep breath and think of how you felt when I surprised you at lunch time last week. Exhale and push all of your breath out and take another deep breath in and think about how happy you will be to see all of your friends at martial arts after school." this continued till the tears stopped.

We all do this, just on a different scale. My little breathing exercise worked well enough for him to get a grip and head off to the playground by his own will, but sometimes we have no idea we are trapped in little feedback loops. What kind of loops do I have going on?  I feel pretty good right now, so my loops are pretty positive. I remember sad and scared loops from not too long ago though. How did I break them?

On a much wider and cosmic scale, I think this second law is also stating something about the planets, sun, moon and constellations. As WAY above, so below.  But below and above are such relative terms on this scale. Relative in that how I am oriented on the earth with my feet pointed toward center, which would I guess be below me, and all that expands out from the level of my head into the freaking infinite cosmos, is above.  ( I have no idea if that last sentence is grammatically correct but lets just go with it for the sake of time.) But really I guess that is putting a whole shit ton of stock in the importance of human life since we are infinitely small compared to how large these "above" bodies are. I am going to think about this aspect of the rule a little more. I think it has to do with archetypal energy and universal consciousness. Personification for the sake of clarity. I need to think about this.

To be Continued. at some point. this week. ish.

Oh Dang.

Hey! Hi! You know, its crazy, but I was journaling Monday and Tuesday about some new things and I though for a second, while I was writing, that maybe I should be writing this stuff on my blog. I quickly dismissed the idea and covered it with, "you have been journaling just fine on your own on paper, so why would you suddenly want to blog again?" Good question, so I continued in my paper journal. BUT then, I got a little kick in the teeth, a good jab that comes when the nudge of an idea is not quite enough to spring me into action.  You guys know. Well, I wouldn't say the kick came right away, there was more a gentle tug on my heart strings from a few long distant friends. The tugging lead to the realization and the realization was like a full on kick. My teeth are fine though. In case you were wondering.

Sooooo, What? What's up? I am totally out of the loop.

The first Universal Law governing everything in the entire universe (duh) and our entire perceived reality is The Law of Mentalism. The Law of Mentalism essentially states that all human reality is mental, and that our entire universe is one big, huge, infinite intelligence and that all of our brains, rather than creating unique thought, are simply channeling signals like the little am/fm radios sitting on the shelves of your garages. We can tune in to different channels and play whatever tunes suit our moods, ideals, and perceptions, but we should be mindful of what we broadcast since our minds have the power to influence and create our reality. Your environment is your thinking objectified.

For the past few months I have been turning my dial to stations I didn't even know were transmitting before. I have been letting stations play, sometimes a few simultaneously, through my receiver for extended periods of time to see what their purposes are and if there is overlap in the transmissions. Its been a little like trying on different lenses and filters and seeing how they cut through the glare and fogs of my reality.  In more concrete terms, I have been taking a shit ton of classes, reading an even broader shit ton of books and talking to a shit ton of people. I have been meditating and finding new parts of myself (and everyone technically).  I have been doing breath-work and have found a way to use my voice and breath to raise my awareness to higher vibrations and dimensions. I have kept dream journals and received messages from my higher self. I have charted the movements of the moon and kept a keen eye on the planetary shifts and aspects, recording any influences that may be accorded to them. In case you were wondering, Yes, I stepped into to the deep end, but I have never felt more at peace and grounded in my entire life. Apparently, the deep end is where its at for me.

So that explains where I have been. Here, but there too. I know that many people have mixed feelings about all of this type of thing. Its fine. I shrug my shoulders at that. Lots and lots of people are feeling the veil slip a bit though. Peering through that nagging feeling that things are not quite as they seem. My advice: READ. Read then measure. There are is so much information that can be found that will resonate for you. FIND IT. The more you find the more you begin to trust yourself. Till eventually the polarity will shift and it will be no longer a search to validate your truth, but an outpouring of it. The evidence is incontrovertible.

For the next 7 weeks I am studying the 7 universal laws, one for each week, and journaling, sometimes here and sometimes on paper, how they are active and effecting my reality. I mentioned the first above. If you wanted, you could research them for yourself and journal as well along with me. Pay attention to how you may deflect the laws, or how you unconsciously manipulate them. Pay attention to the thoughts that come and remember that you have the power to change the station if you wish. Consider that power before you follow an impulse to spread any poison in this space.

Thank you for missing me, those of you that did. I miss you too.

Hold tight. Let go.

I have been reading tarot cards lately.  I have been fantasizing about opening an oddities shop where I sell crystals and candles and bells and bones and other witchy knick-knacks. In the back room, through the wood beaded veil, I’ll have a table draped with printed silk and I will read palms and do tarot readings. I will ask for your birthday, time and location and tell you your moon and sun signs, rising sign, and where the planets appear in your houses.  Then I will tell you what that all means. The information will hit home with you and you will leave with a greater sense of purpose, an understanding of your place in the universe, and the grace and ease that comes with the confidence that everything is exactly as it should be.  Ideally, my shop will be in the floor level of an old house that my family lives in. As customers come in a bell will ring, but when no one comes in, I will just be at home with my family. The shop will be open most times, unless I am not home (and after 7 pm). I will drink tea and invite groups of friends and philosophers to come over to tea. Perhaps it will be a central meeting place for a book club.  There will be an area for meditation and yoga. I will also have lots of plants growing in a beautiful window wall.  Kilim rugs and other woven textiles will line the floors and walls. My personal collection of oddities, carved book holders, brass crabs, bundles of dried sage, will fill shelves and deep windowsills. Vintage chairs and tables will be situated randomly. A basket overflowing with brightly woven Mexico blankets will casually ask all who enter to bundle up and stay a while.  I will play music. Whatever is tickling my feet to bump around at the moment.  And there will be books everywhere. For sale, rent or trade. I will try to read all of them and organize them in a way that makes sense to me so that when someone comes in looking for something they might be turned on to something in a different subject, but maybe leaning in their direction of interest. And of course I will be able to find exactly what they are looking for when they come in asking, “I just want to know what types of things I can eat and do to balance my internal organ function with the changing seasons.”  I will direct them to a practical guide on Eastern Medicine, or some such, and send them home with a little bag of herb tea to sip while they read in a sunny window, my acupuncturist’s phone number, and a big warm smile.   This shop will be profitable, but really just enough to pay the bills and fund more finding and collecting to keep it freshly stocked.  People will come, more and more, all by word of mouth.  It will be aesthetically pleasing and interesting. Visitors will see something new each time they come in.   I may even sell vintage clothing. Leather boots and purses will line the wall in one room and above it will be a line of easily wearable day dresses and sweaters.  Wallpaper. Beautiful wallpaper.  A beautiful little space that I can live a simple life in.

There is an old brick house up for rent on the main street. When I look at it, it fuels my fantasy.  Big front porch. Shed in the back.  Zoned commercial and residential. . . I don’t want to lose my house. I love my house. I love all the things in it and the way it’s set up and all of the memories that are built in.  Just thinking of it being stripped from us brings tears to my eyes. I see my son’s face looking at me and asking fearfully,” Mom, can coyotes break our windows and get into our house?” I assure him that our house was built strong by daddy, with lots of love and protection. Our windows are thick and strong and no bad things can reach us in here. He feels satisfied and safe and confident as he settles into sleep. I don’t want to lose that. Please don’t take it away. The fantasy eases my mind, a temporary distraction, some glimmer of an alternate reality that can feel equally safe and warm and loving.  I don’t want to lose my house.

I feel like I have been living in a dream state. Or waking from one. Every time I clean my toilet I am aware that I may not be cleaning this toilet by the end of this year. I may be cleaning a different one. One that someone else I don’t know has been shitting in for years. There might even be some of their piss under the tile that I can smell but can never reach to clean. And I am thankful for my familiar shitty toilet.  How could I have ever loathed this task? I am aware that ownership is a construct of the ego. That you can’t really OWN anything. All that is really mine is my body and my soul. I guess that is even up for discussion these days. Anything else can be stripped away. It’s safer to not form attachments. But how can you not?  I have not mastered love without attachment.  I want to keep the things I love near to me. Every stick of this house has been touched with my family’s love. Our family can love new sticks of new houses, but I don’t want to start over. I don’t want the fantasy. I just want to enjoy the reality of my current life a little longer. Please. The future is uncertain. I don’t want to think about it. I want to fantasize about an alternate universe where we all live in a charming little brick house and I tell fortunes and sell oddities and vintage things. Other people’s memories. Not mine. I will hold on to mine. A little longer.  As long as I can.  

I feel the wheel turning. Puts lots of shit into perspective. What a silly girl I have been. Oh well. . . Whats for lunch?