Don't worry, be . . .

I am ridiculously happy right now! I am making the right decision! Last night I was filled with angst and I asked for a sign, some proof that I was heading the right way, and I got it clear as day!  Black and white! In a literal spoken message meant exactly for me.  Just an hour ago from a stranger at the grocery store! I couldn't feel more at peace right now. All of my uncertainty is gone. And don't these pictures look so different to you? I feel different. Thank you thank you THANK YOU for all of your heart's words on my last post and for all of your support and encouragement!  And please don't feel sad. Things are going to be all right. I know they will. I want to hug you.

Also, you were right Paige. Thank you.

come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away. . .

I have an announcement to make. Well, actually, I guess I would like to whisper something in your ear because about a quarter of my heart doesn't really believe what I am about to tell you and is positive it will be screaming "I told You SO!" in a short while making me feel like a total cereal flake and sikester, yet again. In fact, the last time I proclaimed something and failed to deliver on my claim, I told myself it would be wise to never commit verbally or in written word again, but to just make a mental note to myself, and accomplish said commitment on my own, providing the wiggle room to back out if my heart so chooses to, thus avoid public humiliation and judgment. But you know the biggest judge is myself anyway since, no offense to anyone, the judgment of a stranger (not that you all are strangers, in fact I would absolutely, unequivocally call some of you my dear friends, though if you are truly my friend, you accept these slight eccentricities of mine and therefore do not judge me anyway, which is why I call you my friend in the first place) is really moot and I have far more critical views on myself than any one else could ever have anyway (which I assure you, I am TOTALLY working on!) I guess the reason I feel compelled to share this whisper with you here now is that most of you have really been on this blogging and vintage selling ride with me for a while now, and I feel like One or More of you could give me some ideas for how to accomplish my goal in the most painless way possible, while also providing you an opportunity to get something in return (if you even have an interest.)

I am quitting the Vintage Biz. I have put in my notice to myself and my last day is May 31, 2011. 

Yikes. I said it. Well, I have not hit publish YET so I still have some time to talk myself off the ledge here. But basically, yes. I am quitting. It is not for financial reasons. It is not because of any concrete reason exactly. It's just time for me to do something else and as long as I have this stuff stuffing my house, I can't move on properly. It feels weird though because one of the main reasons I have an attachment to selling (not that I have been doing much of it lately anyway) is that I like to have an answer to the question "What DO YOU DO?" "Oh, me? I am a vintage seller. I sell vintage clothing online." For some reason (one that makes me feel uncomfortable to admit) just saying I am a "stay at home mom and wife" doesn't seem enough. For some reason I feel the business of selling justifies my eccentric way of dressing, gives me something to do during the week while my son is at school, a purpose when I am at the shops rapidly wiping each hanger in split second time to reach the end of each rack while piling my cart high with treasure. I began the shop as a cover up and cope with my OVER thrifting habit and enable myself to continue my bingeing, but one coping mechanism just creates a different problem. I am not facing the issue.

It would be easy to argue that my shop in some way is a successful attempt at making my passion and hobby into a business, but there is the freaking rub. I am incapable of maintaining a passionate feeling once money is involved. In fact, money has never been a motivating factor for me, though I require more of it to continue, if I lack the passion for said activity (and truth be told, I would rather have my time than the money in that case.) And I am very very lucky to be able to be a stay at home mom. VERY LUCKY. I know this. I just feel like now that my son is in school, how can I justify "stay at home mom" when I am the only one at home. Then I am just a woman who stays home all day. . .  if not selling vintage, then doing what? Reading? Laundry? Dishes? Doing Yoga? Dancing around my house to loud music? One can only do these things for so long before they feel they are not living fully. There must be something more. and maybe selling vintage, a cure for an ailment that has passed, is not THE THING I am destined for. And maybe not styling other people either since while it was fun for a couple of months to try out, was not what I expected. Maybe there is NO THING but I will never find out as long as I am distracting myself and filling my time with things that have outlasted their usefulness to me. It's time for me to move on.

So, how does this relate to you? Well, the above photos are about 80% of my entire stock I have left. There are 4 trash bags of "lost cause" things that will be donated back to the thrift stores, and a few hold outs that tug too hard on my psyche to let go of in phase one (they are my personal stash items in case of panic later down the road, the cream of the crop things that will give me comfort and memories when this chapter of my life has ended.) All of these things are going. in some way shape or form. I am first trying to sell it at this party my mom and I have planned for this Thursday, then I am listing each piece online (with the help of Gabbi who I will do a whole post about soon). I guess I was wondering if there was some program that would allow me to just photograph like all of my belts, just as I have above, and you can just scroll over each with your cursor and the size and price will appear in the picture. I know I have seen it before. Is this an easy programming job or does it take a genius?  I just want to make this stuff available as cheaply and quickly as possible. Whatever is left. Or, do you know of any sellers that would maybe consign my stuff in their shops? Unfortunately I do have a wee bit of credit card debt I have to eliminate or else I would consider GIVING it away, but I just want to break even and maybe even walk away with a teensy bit of change in my pocket to help me in my next chapter. Anyone interested in purchasing the whole lot? I have a very clear $$ amount in my head. A very fair amount.

I am going to publish now. I am not even going to proof read this, its just going to fly.

itemized.

Hat: Stolen from Husband, originally from Banana Republic. While this hat looks OK on me and I wear it often, it actually looks much better on him.

Coat: My all time favorite $12 Vintage find. I can sell every other amazing coat I find as long as I know this old faithful is hanging in my closet.

Dress: Vintage from the 1940's, a gift from my mom's friend Lynn who got it from her mother-in-law, who has held on to it all of this time along with a whole huge wonderful batch of 40's day dresses that I am going to try to sell for her at a huge vintage / handmade jewelry party my mom and have put together that is happening at a little cafe in my town one week from today. If you live in the greater Northern Nevada area you are totally invited. Email me for the address and time. secondskin19 (at) gmail (dot) com.

Belt: thrifted

Belt Case: A very lovely and thoughtful gift from my sweet friend Seval. She lives in Turkey and has taught me that Istanbul must be one of the most amazing cities in the world. I will one day go there and visit her. Though she and I have not emailed or corresponded for some time now, I know that we will always be friends.

Boots: just from Nordstrom a couple of years ago.

Plant.

I have been thinking a little (not too, too much since I am trying something new for a change) about what you said in response to my post on grounding Monday. Terri suggested I plant a garden. A literal planting actually seems to make SO much sense to me! Tavolini suggested I think about the Kudzu and even offered to send some to me (I am investigating this Kudzu! I have never even heard of it! Thank you for your suggestion!) And Alyson actually has a tattoo that reminds her to just BE! I really enjoyed all of your feedback. Thank you.

Going back to this Planting and Gardening idea, Terri's comment really effected me. It always seems like the most obvious things can be so easily overlooked when you think the answers must be complex. Even doing yoga, while a physical act, is still somewhat symbolic of something else. Why not do the physical act of planting when you are trying to root? Interestingly enough, I have had two raised flower bed that my husband lovingly built for me to all of my specifications, when he built our house. That was 8 years ago and I have NEVER laid a seed in those beds. . . or even tried to plant growing potted plants. Last weekend though, before we even started our week of grounding yoga postures, I went out and weeded and tilled both boxes. Cleared them out. When I got Terri's comment I began to ask myself why I have never planted before? The answer was a bit surprising and embarrassing for me. I have never planted because I don't think I have the nurturing capabilities to raise little plants. I fear I will forget to water them or disregard them in a frost and I will cause them to suffer and die due to my lack of attention and discipline. Ouch. I do live in a harsh climate. I know that I may put in my very best effort and still end up committing mass murder on the little darlings. If only by allowing it to happen. But this year, I feel lucky. I think I had already subconsciously decided that this year is the year I am going to do it. I just need to take my time, plan it out, ask for help, be patient, wait for the growing season to officially begin (June 1 in my area) and not skip steps. Let the process be the lesson. I really really need to try to follow through on this.

Shirt, shoes, earrings, belt: vintage
Pants: Flarey from H& M
Bracelet: an African Crafts and Goods store I found in Palm Springs

a little less conversation

Everything vintage except for the J. Crew Shoes, Earrings made by my mom, and Necklace (I will tell you about this necklace another tiime.) Enjoy your Tuesday!

washy.

I am tired of feeling wishy-washy and flaky. It's not good for me to think of myself that way. Too judgmental.  I mean, during spring time when its 80 degrees one day, windy the next and then snowing on the day after that, we don't say, "Whoa, this weather is acting so wishy-washy and flaky lately. It really needs to get some self discipline, put its nose to the grindstone, and decide what it wants to do." (or whatever we say about people who change their moods and minds frequently.) I think instead we just check the weather reports or take a look out the window and decide what tools we will need to be comfortable on any given day. I know that the weather is controlled by pressure and the earth's rotation and orientation to the sun and all of that cosmic stuff, and I think that I am effected by certain forces too. Things I may have little control over.  I know I should be able to override certain environmental variables, but I have come to realize that instead of my brain being wishy-washy or fickle or weak, it is just the opposite, I am giving it too much power over me. 

Consider this for a sec: I have observed that the earth is very submissive. It just IS. It allows it's surface to change, it's water to rise and fall and shape its dirt, it's air to move and swirl, it's crust to press together and crumble under the pressure, or separate and create chasms. The sun shines on it relentlessly in one place or another. The earth is turned and spun by unseen forces, and it does not resist. It is in a constant state of decay and growth, not trying to hurry either process, in fact, it is perfectly accepting of all of this happening.  It just is. And that is VERY POWERFUL in my opinion.

So, where am I going with this? In yoga this week we are working on grounding ourselves. Feeling the earth's support and appreciating it, rooting in so that we may plant seeds of action and change. My instructor said that if I have lots and lots of ideas but have trouble bringing them to fruition that I may need more grounding, that I may be spending too much time in my head, (not tending to my seeds, or in some cases, even planting them.) This confused me for a minute because I actually considered myself a pretty grounded person (there goes my brain), but when I think about the nature of the earth and how I am a creature on its surface, then feeling blown around and whishy-washy would signify to me that I don't have my feet firmly planted. I get whisked away from my projects too easily, and forget where I have set them down. I don't bend like a rooted tree that keeps it's integrity, I roll like a tumble weed going wherever I am blown. Especially in the spring time.

Do I want to root? Yes. To begin to root then, I need to go inside and see what's going on. If I think of my body as an earth, then my brain is the chaos that swirls all around and causes a ruckus. I need to find my calm center. Submit to external forces, but keep my feet firmly planted. Realize that while the brain's signals can feel powerful, the strength lies in the still core that allows the chaos to merely massage it's surface. We are bringing a lot of muscular awareness to our postures this week, holding the postures for longer and observing our tendencies. Working through the storms of the brain. Finding the calm center. The thing is, I am a perpetually calm person so this is a bit of a tricky balancing act. A polar shift. Calm the brain and activate the body by holding still in postures for longer. Hmm.

On a fashion related note, these pants are a bit of ordered chaos. They are vintage. I have had them for a couple of years now but lacked the confidence to just go with them. Sometimes it takes the right season, in this case SS11, to finally take a leap.

Absorption

Well hello there. It's been a bitter cold month. I have been in hibernation. Almost quite literally. I just wanted to pop in quickly though to say that once the weather warms the freak up, I will venture out into the world again. I see signs of thaw all around so it shouldn't be too far off! And I am heading to the desert this weekend to warm my bones so that should recharge me a bit. My husband thinks I am like Super Girl (this is Superman's cousin who was also rocketed off the planet Krypton right before the explosion but landed on earth a grown teenager, and coincidentally actually metabolizes the sun's energy more efficiently than Superman making her a bit more powerful than her super cousin. Just a little bit of trivia for you.) in the sense that I get my super powers from the yellow sun and need to be taken to it occasionally to grown my strength. Who knows. Maybe I just need more Vitamin D. In any case, see you soon. And thank you, THANK YOU very much for your comments on my last post. I have been absorbing lots more wisdom from my Yoga instructor that I will share when I get back. I also feel much MUCH better than I did that day. I just needed to take a little break from some things to reassess and freshen up. Ok, Well. Ya. *smile*

A lesson for myself

I wrote this yesterday:

I found this chart doing a google search for Apathy. Am I the only one who googles my mental states to better understand them? After studying the chart, I was reminded of my crazy cycles charts from last November. I knew this was coming. Self fulfilling prophecy?  Meh. Does it matter?  Who cares. The reality is I have to change my freaking perspective. Get a new hobby. Volunteer. Get a real freaking job like everyone else. I read that the cure for apathy is competence. Competence brings relaxation, control and even flow, the highest form of self actualization. If one does nothing, they will lose motivation to do anything and unchallenged, grow stupid and apathetic. I have to do something. Quick. Before I get into a pathetic negative energy loop where I feel guilty for feeling apathy since I can really do anything if I wasn't so freaking apathetic.


Today I feel much different. It seems my apathy was actually a coping mechanism protecting me from feeling sad. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad sometimes. Feeling sad is the opposite of feeling happy and we can't fully appreciate one without the other. Sadness provides a stark contrast so that when we are happy we know it. If I went through life feeling apathetic I would never suffer sadness, which awakens my brain and forces it to check for what is wrong so that I can make improvements. So today I am sad. And I know perfectly well why. . . and I am sitting with that and dealing with it like a mature adult . . . Crying my brains out and promising myself to make a greater effort in some areas of my life. As my friend said yesterday "I don't have to like the work, but I will love the results." (she is starting the P90X DVDs again today, and while my work is more internal, it still applies) Yoga this week has been all about shoulder work and opening the heart, an area that is incredibly tight for me. I have been crying in every class but today a shit ton of emotions opened up like a damn breaking. It was great. I felt sick and had to lay down for the last half of the class. Seems I was bottling some stuff in. Its all coming out now though.

I am blogging about this because I feel like there are others that might be like me and may find comfort in knowing that they are not alone. I felt alone today for a bit. . . But I know I am not and I am not asking for anything from you, whoever reads this. It just feels good to put it all out there. I am not even teary anymore. I am going to go get myself cleaned up now. Thank you for investing for a minute.

One last thing, My yoga instructor today said, "When you are sad try not to judge yourself. Think of yourself the way you would if you found your best friend feeling sad." That said, I am giving myself a big mooshy hug, making myself a nice cup of tea, and wiping my face with a warm wash cloth while petting my hair. It looks freaking ridiculous but I would try to make my best friend laugh a little too so I guess that works!

you can ring my bell.

LOOK AT THESE. . .  seriously. This artist (her name is Irina Werning and she is a photographer currently working in Buenos Aires, Argentina) has recently made it to my list of incredible geniuses that I would love to meet one day. I found her while sniffing around the internet this week (thank you Jackie!) Irina says that she has always been interested in vintage photographs and always tried to imagine how the people in them would feel and look if they tried to reenact them today. She started this project in 2010 and I believe it is ongoing. For more please check out her site.

A few other delicious tidbits to share:

1. Anyone interested (even the slightest bit) in SEX ought to read "Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex" by Mary Roach. I take my sexual health just as seriously as my overall physical health (so that means A LOT, in case you don't know me well) and this book was not only interesting and enlightening, its also incredibly funny and has some great visual aids. Example: chapter 9 is titled The lady's Boner and there is a picture of someone gently pressing a desk bell. (dude, seriously, scroll through them. Tell me those images don't give you a little smile.) THEN, If you have a morbid curiosity about dead bodies (as I do) Mary Roach also wrote a great one called "Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers." Great Great book. 
2. Deanna! I finally have a concise answer for you. You asked: For me personally Helath= . . . ?  I dilly dallied and thought about it for a long time and had an elaborate checklist at first (my eyes are clear and moisturized as well as my brain. . .  bla bla bla) but the simple answer and the one I feel very certain of is this Health = Balance. Balance in every way you can imagine. 
3. Alexander commented on my last post regarding Significant Occurrences in life, and lead me on a wild, all night searching and reading till my contacts dried onto my eyeballs, past midnight and my head exploded and I got all jabberwalkied, by simply introducing me to the term Synchronicity. "Google it." Thats what he said. "It will open a whole new world." Yep. Thanks. New world in the house.
4. Lets see, what else . . . that might be it for now.  Enjoy your weekend!! 
5. EDIT: I knew there was something else! BEAR GRYLLS. The man of Man vs. Wild. He has a blog. Have you ever watched this man start a fire by rubbing two sticks together?  My husband just got me the first like 5 seasons or so on DVD, so, I have watched him do it several times now, and it just keeps getting better. Bear has now replaced Paul Newman as "The other man" in my life. Well not replaced, Paul will always have a special place in my heart, but Bear is a little closer to my age, and well, alive.  Totally private and probably none of anyone's business but all of the things on this list have been my obsessions this week. "Now hold it gently, like you would hold a butterfly. You don't want to crush it but you don't want to let it go. . . and blow." -Bear Grylls, getting a fire started. 

Don't call it fate. . .

 . . . but I have to call it something. Don't worry Merl, it's not what you think. Though it is something significant.  See. . . How do things come together?  Hypothetically speaking, how do significant things happen?  Or really, if we want to go there, how does anything happen for that matter, since perhaps significance is simply perspective. I feel a strong feeling about X therefore it is significant, as opposed to feeling benign about something making it insignificant. Some people call meaningful jaw dropping occurrences fate or destiny. Some people think that things just happen spontaneously and that once in a while amazing things overlap and cross creating good feeling coincidences. Some people feel like everything that happened and ever is going to happen is already written and all we must do is submit to it and accept it, while there are people on the extreme opposite as well who feel that life is chaos with no pointed and defined path.

I don't actually worry too much about these things. I know it seems I talk a lot about cycles and purposes and inner compasses and things like this, but worry or fret are not a part of that thinking. I am one of those people that see miracles everywhere though. Simple and complex. Earthly and Ethereal (not that either of those is more simple or complex than the other).  I can be certain though, that my detour to The Salvation Army last week (with Merl and Paige, where I ran into Terra and purchased both this Skirt and Mint Sweater) was important. I almost didn't go there. I had several shops to choose from and even made a wrong turn, but we stuck to the plan (and happened to find beautiful things for Emily, Zoë and Amanda while we were at it) to start out our girls retreat in Lake Tahoe last weekend. That was a Significant Occurrence. . . SO I will call it. Simple: I found both this skirt and top which are perfect companions and fit like a dream and just happen to be amazing. Complex: We happened to run into my dear friend Terra who lives in Washington actually, but was visiting Reno for just a couple days and only got out for one hour to hit the shop that we happened to go to, but almost didn't.  Hmm. Both felt SO cool.

Then we have this past weekend. Paige wanted to celebrate her birthday this year with a small handful of Women she felt a connection with whom she met through her blog. She loves cabins and snow and snuggling by the fire so she chose Lake Tahoe as the destination. I live nearby and found us a cabin we could all pitch in for and afford. Six women flew into Reno on Thursday from all over the states (and Canada, ey!) then we made our way to our weekend abode. So many stories were shared, so much laughter, cooking and reading and learning and asking and searching and feeling. There was something very cleansing and fortifying about last weekend for me. Vulnerable and Confident at the same time. There were so many complexities and relationships between experiences and pasts, yet I have emerged from the weekend feeling like things are so SO simple. The more I look into others, the more I see myself. I see how I am connected to everyone. If I let myself be. It's so easy to love when you see that depth and realize that that sameness exists. I love these women.

And I see now why this blog has been so important to me and why I can't give it up completely. It may appear to be a style blog, but it is not just that. I may enjoy clothing and connecting found items from random thrift stores, but the real reward for me has been the depth of personal connections it has allowed me to find here on the internet. The outfits I wear are, yes and expression, but really deep down a lure to attract your attention. Much the way a flower grows as it does to attract the bee. The bee sees it, and if it is the bee's "kind" of flower it will land and perhaps did deeper to find the good stuff. The flower will bloom either way and produce as much nectar as it will, but if the bee stops, digs in and finds the nectar, it can take some of the essence of that flower with it and mix and sprinkle it around where ever it goes. We all take the roles of bees and flowers in my opinion. This metaphor can be taken much further, but I don't want to burden you with too much more nectar right now. My final point is that I Believe in Symbiosis. With nature, with the universe, with people (who are in my opinion both). Maybe it's not Fate that brings people together, but it is SO Amazing.

All items thrifted. Though the necklace was a thrift gift from Paige. Thank you.