Still Crazy, after all these years

So a few weeks have past. I am practicing non judgment now so it's no big thing.  Moving on.

I left off in a precarious sort of humbled state in my last post about weaving. The end of that story was going to be eloquently written and convey my personal lesson and all of that, but I am pretty much out of that mode right now. Long story short, I went back and read all of the boring introduction stuff that I had skipped in the weaving book and found this great statement that pretty much changed my whole outlook. I gave the book back to my teacher so I can't quote it, but I'll paraphrase.

When a Navajo girl weaves her first piece on the loom she dedicates herself to weaving just stripes. This gives her muscles memory, teaches her about her loom and helps her to develop her personal weaving style without having to worry about the more technical aspects. The Navajo people enjoy the process of weaving and look forward to all of the pieces they will eventually weave in their life. They can take the time to weave their first piece in just stripes.

When I read this I felt very comforted. I decided to strip the old loom I had found at the thrift store and re warp it. With the help of my teacher, I was ready to begin weaving some stripes. I figured that if I was going to DO this thing, a little patience and step by step progress would serve me well. Over the next couple weeks I weaved stripes and found the peace I experienced while weaving my first piece. I am still working on it now actually. I will photograph it when I am finished. I love it though. I love the process.
Image details can be found on my Tumblr

In other news, I am still reading like a maniac. I finished a few more books on esoteric topics, spirituality, stuff like that. As Serene said in a previous comment, I am really searching right now and have actually been finding the answers I  have been looking for. Those answers have been less in the text though and more in my heart.  Everything I am reading has been leading me to a deeper awareness inside of me.  I was having a hard time trusting myself for a little while though. I admit, for a minute I thought I might be going crazy. I started a desperate attempt at seeking validation externally again in a more private way and got crickets at every request.  It made me begin to doubt the very thing I rely on to guide me through this life! My internal compass, my truth detector, my bullshit meter, all of my instruments would have had to be re-calibrated but I wouldn't have the faintest idea of what code I would recalibrate them to? My personal code has served me so well my whole life. My invisible energetic team. . .  whatever that feeling is when I know something is right and something is wrong. . .  How could that be off?  I was in a crisis for a minute or two. My doubt in myself actually made me SICK to the point that my HEAD EXPLODED. Literally. The pressure built up so much that I ruptured my ear drums. Blood and pus were dripping out, it was effing sick, let me tell you. A few doctors appointments, acupuncture and a therapy session later, it dawned on me that the reason I was getting NO external validation was because I am not supposed to get validation externally anymore. It was time to trust myself. FOR REALS. Silence from others was not proof that I was wrong about the way I see things. I am not crazy. As soon as I began to accept this I got better.

So that was my last three weeks. If you have been reading my blog for any length of time (and those of you that are actually still here obviously have or else you wouldn't waste your time on this shit. Thank you) you will realize that I have been on the verge of this for a while now. I got started blogging again because I thought I was ready, but I guess I just had this final hurdle to clear. Now that that's, I am pretty sure, over I can get back to it. I still feel like this blog is an important element in my life. Trust me, I weighed the pros and cons again during my little break and I just can't get around it. I am here. Again.


danielle said...

every now and again i struggle with the "should i stop blogging?" "is this eating up to much of my time?" i take off a day or two and then all of the sudden i love it again. inspiration comes in waves and we just need to ride them!

clairebecca said...

Love reading your thoughts, it makes me pause for a moment and reflect. Always a good thing.

Anonymous said...

i always love taking in what you have to say. the word that always comes to mind is "perspective". you provide a view of life that allows me to see the world a little differently. i hope you get better!

Unknown said...

How did you feel after leaving this post? I know when I blog, its always a relief to get my feelings and frustrations out of my own head...formulating my thoughts into words really seems to help me :)

and honestly, the blogger world needs more personal writing like this!


Open Door Studio said...

Your reflection and growth within yourself will never stop, and thats not a bad thing. Or thats my thought process anyway. Your on a journey exploring your life and what you really want, it's very honest and brave.

And blogging is what it is.....you might stop for a while and start again change it..... just be you, but realize it will not be the same as before and thats ok. You have already changed your preception of it from your experiences that you have gone through.

You are a amazing person and friend and Im glad that you are here!

I cant wait to see your loom and your stripes! We will be home for Christmas for two weeks!! Must have a visit.

Meg said...

I, for one, am glad you're here. You inspire me and expand my horizons. I'm sorry you've been struggling, but I'm glad you made it to the other side, relatively unscathed (aside from your poor ears - ouch!). The bit about the approval of others really resonates with me - it's a tendency that I've developed based on low self-esteem. I hope I can learn to trust myself, as you are/have.

amanda said...


Unknown said...

Love and hugs to you from afar!
I suppose that when I read your words, I finally sense that my struggles are very similar and it is so beautiful to be reading that another woman who is so lovely and beautiful and young (and so on ;) is able to communicate these feelings so well.
I am touched and humbled when i read your text .... it make me think, which is a good thing!
thank you :)

Corks + Caftans said...

trusting self. man, if you figure out how to get this done, bottle it up and send it my way.


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Kelsey Leann said...

“Yet her soul had grown during these forty days in the desert, she had learned about her second mind. She had died many times, and was stronger each time she was reborn. The hunt actually gave me great pleasure, she thought.” In the spirit of esoteric-ism I thought I’d interject my book suggestions.
1) The Valkyries (quote above) - Paulo Coelho: nuts story of a lady who goes soul tripping with her husband in the Mojave desert where they encounter badass female angels on Harleys. No joke. The angels help her battle her self doubt and fear and she comes to question her whole life in the context of her second mind. Wild.
2) The Four Agreements or Beyond Fear by Don Miguel Ruiz. Ancient Toltec wisdom explaining that its all just a dream and we have the power to harness sour energy to create whatever dream we want. (be impeccable with your word. don’t take anything personally. don’t make assumptions. Always do your best)

Those are just a couple that have helped to both put words to and also validate the craziness that is constantly evolving and simultaneously devolving in my mind at any given time.

I go back in forth and up and down in such a crazy cycle of emotion, empowerment, enlightenment, and crippling fear that I swear my poor fiance thinks im completely nuts. Chakra centering is seriously where it’s at. In that vein im curious if you’ve been turned on to EFT (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i33V2EcVlY)? It seriously chills me out and provides simple access to immediate clarity and peace as well as helps me sort through the mess of self doubt and fear on the daily. im pretty fascinated with it and the wealth of info im reading about it around the web.

stay up.

Anonymous said...

I have been away for reasons of my own the past two, nearly three months. I will explain soon. I like the idea of weaving...of starting with the stripes. Is it meditative? Or will it become so?

Lena said...

Oh, you're going through the whole awakening thing as well. Feeling a bit lost like I do. Hope we all meet one day happily and reborn.

Tracy Johnson said...

I am so glad that you are back! I just read all you've written since your break, and I so appreciate how clearly you articulate things that I struggle with. I live with a sense of the world that exists beyond what our eyes can see as well, and yet the only people I know who make any sense to me are 3energy workers that I visit periodically. Everyone else I know seems to be satisfied with the status quo, so I keep quiet and spend most of my time alone reading, meditating, preparing nutritious food, doing yoga, house keeping, etc. wondering what I have to contribute. I look forward to reading more of what you have to say as it is a source of support.

Anonymous said...

still waiting, after all these months.

miss you!

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