beauty in chaos

This whole process started with a voice in my head, "It is time to get laser hair removal."  Now, I know what you MAY be thinking, but seriously stick with me here for a minute.  This whole fantasy of being fuzz free was never something I took seriously. Sure I had thought about it for a couple of years but I never looked into it online, never really asked around or got quotes and never thought I would spend that kind of money on something so frivolous (remember, I am a die hard thrifter, I don't pay more for things than I have to, and shaving was never SO terrible) but here I was on Monday November 8th in the middle of listing my vintage on esty, with a strong booming voice in my head "get your hair lasered off."  I told my husband, he promptly researched the local clinics that offer it, printed out pages on 7 places, which I called immediately, and the very last one I called sold me to the core. Within one hour of the prompting, I had an apt for the coming Friday and a quote that fit right under my predetermined budget.  And now I know why.

When you are in a certain position, and a laser is pointed right at your most, ahem, holy of holies, you had better bet that you and that woman holding the laser are going to be pretty tight pretty fast. She could have been anyone, but she just happened to be L., and she had a special message for me. Being a very receptive person, I listened to her message and followed through with my guts' reaction to do exactly what she said to do. I bought a book.  Well, actually my husband bought me the book (he knows me so well and though I don't ask for much, when I do, he knows its for a good reason). It's the one I told you about before, The Renaissance Soul by Margaret Lobenstein.   Saturday morning (this past Saturday) I read the introduction, put the book down, and started scribbling like a maniac on a piece of paper. This was the first lightning strike.  I knew I had patterns, cycles, wheels of emotion and activity that I moved in over the course very specific time lengths. I had to map them. I had to see the pattern. I could feel it but I needed concrete proof.  So I made a chart. I set it up to show the length of my life over the course of the months and years. I charted my life's major milestones. I recalled the periods of time that I inhabited specific overall emotional states. My scribble looked like this when I was done:

I admit it looks like an absolute mess to everyone but me. . . When I looked at this, I was hit by lightening again. I knew that I had to get it in a more presentable state, needed to be able to assign symbols to these milestones, colors to the emotional states, align the grid to be sure I was not pushing the data to reflect my hunch. The clarity of the computerized chart PROVED EVERYTHING.  I have very specific cycles. I also just happen to have been alive just long enough to really see the completion of a few major ones, and to recognize the patterns of behavior within each.  I could see exactly where I am RIGHT NOW.  Exactly why I felt that old familiar tug of restlessness. The feeling that so many times before, transformed into distaste and resentment, building to the final climax where I just QUIT. Quit, without notice, without something else to go to, without ever looking back. I would just dump it all, donate whatever vintage I had left, leave everything and start over fresh with something completely different, as I had too many times before.  I felt restlessness creeping in and I knew that everything I had been developing, enjoying, growing, nurturing, and learning from, was in jeopardy. This blog, the RELATIONSHIPS I have established, the outlet it provides me, the validation and comfort of seeing my thoughts archived so neatly, and the income my vintage selling has provided me (though small) has become the passion of my last year and a half.  Was I DESTINED to repeat the same pattern all over again??

I have been a retail store manager, a receptionist learning bookkeeping, a assistant to the buyer of a golf boutique, a barista, an art student, the next person in line to run an amazing arts non profit, a yoga and art therapy facilitator to girls with eating disorders, and now a blogger and vintage seller. This list doesn't even include my side hobbies of holistic medicine, blood type and its effect on how we digest food, yoga, philosophy, psychology, thyroid function, eastern religion, western religion, the elements, Fashion and style, watercolor painting, sculpting, sewing, clothing design, furniture design, furniture redesign, collecting, and finding the perfect pair of riding boots. With such varied interests and such random hobbies, where was I headed next, and would it even stick long enough to mean anything?  Or was there a way to use the Wisdom I have gained from mapping my cycles to just transform my current situation? I will tell you.