Complex Clarity

{EDIT:  Besides all that I say below, I also want to be clear that I don't expect everyone to be in to this. I do not judge you if you are not. In fact I expect to lose a portion of my readership. Fortunately for me, I have lost the fear that is necessary for me to see my worth in someone else's eyes. I do have faith however, that I have reached some of you on a less superficial level and that maybe you will reserve negative judgment based on your previous understanding of me.  Hear me out, if you wish.  Also, I am not trying to sell you something. I am not asking for anything from you. The only reason I am broadcasting this information is so that I may spawn some seed of awareness and change in fertile soil. If this information rings true for you, Great, if not, oh well. I have no power over you and I don't wish to.}

There are a few things I have to be clear about here. First of all, I assure you I am not on drugs, as many of you may assume (and have mentioned). Pinky swear. I am just speaking from a very primal, yet aware space, and I don't think many people really allow themselves to explore those types of feelings and thoughts in a public forum often.  In contrast to what we are used to, the drone of the constraints of society, I may sound . . .  a little weird. I am totally Okay with that.  Next, many of you said you are going to purchase that book I mentioned. Great, but you must know that the book was merely a catalyst. The cycles I discovered and the epiphany I experienced originated from my realization that I do indeed fall into patterns.  YOU ARE ONLY ABLE TO CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE AWARE OF. 

Everything I am about to tell you did not come from the book at all, but from a lucid state I entered into last Saturday, that I continue to learn from. Let me begin by showing you my clearer, computerized chart:
As you can see, it is much clearer than the scribble chart from the previous post, still intense looking however. A few of you said that you too have noticed patterns of activity in your lives, clusters of change etc. Well, I mapped not only the clusters of change or milestone moments, but also the duration of my emotional states leading up to these changes and occurring directly after and in between those milestones.  This is essentially a map of all the major events and emotional states of my entire life. I only mapped what I can clearly remember. I know that the first 14 years of my life play a important role in my development, but since I cannot accurately define my emotional states, I am leaving those years for examination at a later point in my investigation. For now, I am concentrating on the last 15 years or so.

I have identified four major emotional states that flow together in perfect cycles. You can see that I have organized my chart to reflect my life in two year increments, with a mid line corresponding to my birthday.  This shows more accurately the years as I experience them, not the calendar years. To examine the emotional states more clearly, I will refer to the segment of my life between 2003 and 2009 shown in light green in the left side column. To help you understand the frequency and vibration of each emotional state, Imagine a line graph similar to a Richtor scale that has a neutral midline:

→Restlessness / Discontent, purple (begins at neutral and heads unmistakably below the midline till it reaches an unbearable low leading to change, usually quitting an activity)

Limbo, green ( a state of flux, moving over and under the mid line in wide arches, optimistic that something new is on the horizon, relived that the source of discontent has been removed, but anxious to discover what is next and uncertain of how long it will take)

Excitement / Happiness, orange (well above the midline with rapid peaks and dips and very energetic activity, establishment of something new, accepting the challenge of the new endeavor, mastering new skills, acquiring, new information, a period of rapid growth)

Busy / Contentment, red (Rapid movement steadying out to a solid above the midline calm, gaining comfort in the daily routines, feeling fulfilled by the situation, confidence in your abilities, quantitative evidence of success) which inevitably moves nearer to the midline neutral and settles into

Restlessness, purple → and onward.

I like to think of the cycles as segments of a multi volume story. As you can see from looking at my chart (the table of contents) I have identified two year cycles (chapters) that repeat within 7 year periods of time (parts). After deeper investigation, I have come to the conclusion that a third cycle exists over 10 year periods (volumes). If the chapters are lessons I must learn, the parts are themes of that time in my life, and the volumes are quests of my life, (are you following?)  then much can be learned by reflecting on what is already written.  This reflection will help me to write the next chapters, parts and volumes. While I am subject to life's cycles, I am still the author of my story.

In case you are wondering, No, I assure you, I am definitely NOT on drugs. And its about to get weirder / clearer.


Louise said...

I LOVE THIS. I think everyone goes through something like this... evaluation, clarity, reminiscence, history of one's life. You are just going about it from a different (dare I say logical) road. I love it and I can't wait to see what comes next.

Shallow Mallow said...

Amazing to see someone elses life charted like this. You're granting us a very intimate look here and it 's inspiring to see how aware you are of all this.

I keep a diary to gain some insight into how my moods and perios of action/inaction relate but really I have less of a clue of what really makes me tick than I would like.

hehe - I got to be cheesy but talk about "true colours" :D

The BB said...

It takes a strong person to look at their life and choose to learn from patterns, etc. This is very inspiring. And I know I'm not alone in saying thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Best of luck to you. This is me deleting your bookmark. Click.

hanging on handrails. said...

This is incredible. It's like your most introspective consciousness right here on a web page. I feel like I'm somehow violating you. Oops. Sorry for peeking. I'm amazed by your entanglement in human consciousness. This is what we live for, isn't it? I applaud you, and I hope when I get to thirty, I get to be at least halfway of where you've gotten.

Second Skin said...

Louise, Shallow Mallow, BB and Hanging on handrails: I am encouraged by your interest! Thank you for leaving me a little note! I assure you that this is not a violation. :) Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Almost every blog I read, without exception, has the odd post here and there that I don't 100% 'get', or buy into, but I would never unsubscribe based on that post alone (and if I did I'd do it quietly, I wouldn't comment the fact or suggest the writer was off her head or on drugs!).

I think this sounds interesting, and it's clearly totally brilliant for you, so I hope you continue to feel absolutely free to share it with your readers.

Alex, UK.

siouxjett said...

Love the direction you're taling this blog. A braeth of fresh air in the usually self-absorbed, arrogant blogger world. Times they are a changin..finally!

Fashion Flirt said...

I find it interesting that discontent is purple. I am a Reiki practitioner, and see in colour when I practice on people, objects, myself. I study colour, as it is the best way I have for interpreting what I see. Purple is clarity when it comes to colour, auras, healing and chakras. I wonder if discontent is actually just finally realizing what isn't working in your life anymore?

Did you choose the colours arbitrarily? It is interesting if you did.

Anonymous said...

I'm actually surprised you even got one hate comment on this... oh well, they're missing out on cute outfits (: this isn't necessarily what i believe but its very interesting. You think it has similarity with biorhythms? that's what it reminds me of, sorta (:

Anonymous said...

been following you for a while now, a year or so & it started for the great clothes, but then you started really shining through.

This thing - it will get me paying even more attention, not run me off.

Best of luck & I will be following to see what happens next!

daisybabie said...

this is teetering on brilliance, i think. i've not had a chance to sit and think of what you're stating, not fully understanding it yet. however, i do think you are def on to something that has been plaguing the back of my mind for a while now. a dim little light at the end of a long tunnel has just been made a bit brighter thanks to your words and thoughts.

thanks, christina. :o)
i just added the book to my list for santa this year. cheers!

Second Skin said...

Fashion Flirt, I Chose the colors on how I feel about them. I don't know how to explain it. I have noticed that saying what I think has a way of being strange. Purple is thinking, discontent, yes maybe clear thinking and realizing something is not working out, I didn't analyze that too much, green felt like the way limbo feels, bright warm orange feels happy to me and red feels busy, powerful and good. originally the brown was meant to be black but my computer ran out of black ink so I had to change it to brown so it would print out properly. I am interested in this color information you are talking about though. Thank you for commenting on it.

Second Skin said...

For the anonymous commenters who have expressed your support and interest, thank you. It is encouraging that you are receptive enough and have open minds to stick around! Sioujett, and daisybaibie, thank you so much also for leaving your thoughts! I want to assure you that dressing and photographing my outfits is going to continue to be a part of this blog and remains a huge part of my future plans, However, this topic has taken priority over my thoughts and time and I just can't be bothered to photograph myself right now. My outfits photos will resume when it feels right again, and has actually taught me a great deal about myself as well.

Liv said...

This is really intriguing and I think I could really really benefit from allowing myself to be more introspective, more self-aware. I'm thirty two and while I do have a pretty good handle on who I am I don't think much about the how and the why I got here. Because it kinda scares me. That's how I know it's what I should be doing.

You definitely haven't lost this reader. Keep going.


Anonymous said...

i check your blog every day now, find what you have to say very interesting. thanks for sharing your very personal journey with us. i know the very restless feeling as i am experiencing it strongly right now, but don't have the guts to give up my dull, draining, but well paying job. thrifting is my weekend hobby right now and i wonder if i could turn it into an income? thanks, christina!

Anonymous said...

A doctor helped me pattern this out around the age of 40. I was being treated for depression and we were able to identify when they had occurred in my life and how long it might be for myself to recover from such a cycle naturally, and without drugs. I was stunned to discover SEVERAL 18 month cycles of depression, perhaps with underlying biochemical causes.

Miss Millie said...

Hey lovely,

Wow, this is awesome...
Why does Evan (little star)appear 3times? What does it mean?
I'll look closer.This is FULLY interesting.
I was asked to do such an exercise once for therapy, a few years back. Hard enough to define the important events & changes in my life at their exact time, I would find it impossible to line this up with soul moods and energy levels!
Even more difficult as going through good changes does not always necessarily make one feel better (and the other way round).
It takes quite a memory!
Have you started out with a given cycle pattern and realised it stuck to yours?Or have you worked it all out yourself?
I have the strong feeling life is but a long self investigation, and as knowledge grows, pain turns into mere happiness, whatever path (from therapy to subconscious understanding) is taken.
To me although this is intense it's very important to HAVE FUN with the whole process, as you seem to!
I'm in with you!

Laurie said...

I just wanted to comment that I've read your blog off and on for a while but only now do I really find the urge to comment. I am very interested in these recent posts, as I feel like I am experiencing a significant change and clarity in my own life. Thank you for sharing!

Jenni Wells said...

it's no ones place to judge.

dressperado said...

Still with you. Interested. Waiting for more.

Meghan said...

I'm kind of bummed that I only have 19 years to look at. And most of those hardly count. Even so, I can start to see trends and I'm excited to keep an eye out for more.
I love your style, but what really drew me to check your blog every day was what you had to say. Another loyal reader :)

Swalvs said...

I think even just creating a pattern like this is an amazing thing to do, you must have spent lots of energy on it... I'm sure that I have that cycle too, I can realize it but I really cannot create a memory board like that, I don't have that much memory I guess... But I'm pretty sure that this will help most of us... I may write down some notes to find out the pattern in a few years... We'll find, I'm really glad that you're taking us with you on this way... Love you C.

A.Valentine said...

I'm completely intrigued with your new direction. I myself know I go thru cycles but I have never thought of examing and charting them. I might just have to pick up that book. With a new year and my 30th B-day coming up in a few weeks I feel like I might want to take this journey too.
Thank you for the inspiration.

MerciBlahBlah said...

I've said this on comments before, but to me, the best thing about your blog is your writing. Don't get me wrong - I love your photography and your style and use of vintage/thrifted in amazing ways, but your WRITING is what does it for me. I don't comment a lot, but I am here fo shizzle. Love that you're brave enough to take it in a new direction, and not only that, but to bare your soul to the world in the midst.

Rock on with your badass self, sister.


Anonymous said...

Another supporter here! I think that this is fascinating and that it is veru generous of you to share the process with your readers. I just wanted to wish you luck and continued insight and let you know that I am another reader that is more than happy to come along for the ride.

Love and best wishes to you and thank you for your writing.

TavoLini said...

This is fascinating, chica. I don't know what to think, other than being astonished that your low points aren't in the winter ;)

Maybe I should move to the desert? (and yet Atlanta is much kinder than Detroit)

May all your winters be orange!

JennaStevie said...

I really do love this, its soo interesting. It's definatly worthwhile to track where ones life has been and where its going

Redlilocks {Swoon Worthy} said...

I'm not sure I've ever commented here before, I'm probably more a lurker than anything even though I love your style and the honesty that shines through your words.

This journey that you are taking however is facinating to me. And I so admire you sharing it with your readers (and the risks that come with it and how okay you are with that)... As someone who's only a few years older than you (mid-30s), I have been married & divorced twice and currently on what I would consider the 4th significant relationship in my life... I've also moved 8 times in the last 9 years... and probably 5 times in the 5 years before... (this includes moves within the US and the UK). Oh, I understand restlessness.

I've never thought of charting it out like you have though and I am almost scared of what the charts might tell me. But wow, I'm intrigued. Please continue.

Vix said...

Wishing you the best -- I know I have my own cycles that end in major change then begin again, but I've never been so logical about mapping them out!

It'll be interesting to me to see where you go from here.

[And I'm another one who comes more for your writing than the photos...though I enjoy those/your style. Takes all kinds, right?]

Cee said...

This is absolutely the height of introspection. I am so impressed that you were able to chart all of this... I would love to be able to look at myself this way, but I wouldn't even know where to begin! I have only the most vague recollection of how I felt during different months during my early teens. Amazing. Really. You are a star :)

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