Complex Clarity

{EDIT:  Besides all that I say below, I also want to be clear that I don't expect everyone to be in to this. I do not judge you if you are not. In fact I expect to lose a portion of my readership. Fortunately for me, I have lost the fear that is necessary for me to see my worth in someone else's eyes. I do have faith however, that I have reached some of you on a less superficial level and that maybe you will reserve negative judgment based on your previous understanding of me.  Hear me out, if you wish.  Also, I am not trying to sell you something. I am not asking for anything from you. The only reason I am broadcasting this information is so that I may spawn some seed of awareness and change in fertile soil. If this information rings true for you, Great, if not, oh well. I have no power over you and I don't wish to.}

There are a few things I have to be clear about here. First of all, I assure you I am not on drugs, as many of you may assume (and have mentioned). Pinky swear. I am just speaking from a very primal, yet aware space, and I don't think many people really allow themselves to explore those types of feelings and thoughts in a public forum often.  In contrast to what we are used to, the drone of the constraints of society, I may sound . . .  a little weird. I am totally Okay with that.  Next, many of you said you are going to purchase that book I mentioned. Great, but you must know that the book was merely a catalyst. The cycles I discovered and the epiphany I experienced originated from my realization that I do indeed fall into patterns.  YOU ARE ONLY ABLE TO CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE AWARE OF. 

Everything I am about to tell you did not come from the book at all, but from a lucid state I entered into last Saturday, that I continue to learn from. Let me begin by showing you my clearer, computerized chart:

As you can see, it is much clearer than the scribble chart from the previous post, still intense looking however. A few of you said that you too have noticed patterns of activity in your lives, clusters of change etc. Well, I mapped not only the clusters of change or milestone moments, but also the duration of my emotional states leading up to these changes and occurring directly after and in between those milestones.  This is essentially a map of all the major events and emotional states of my entire life. I only mapped what I can clearly remember. I know that the first 14 years of my life play a important role in my development, but since I cannot accurately define my emotional states, I am leaving those years for examination at a later point in my investigation. For now, I am concentrating on the last 15 years or so.

I have identified four major emotional states that flow together in perfect cycles. You can see that I have organized my chart to reflect my life in two year increments, with a mid line corresponding to my birthday.  This shows more accurately the years as I experience them, not the calendar years. To examine the emotional states more clearly, I will refer to the segment of my life between 2003 and 2009 shown in light green in the left side column. To help you understand the frequency and vibration of each emotional state, Imagine a line graph similar to a Richtor scale that has a neutral midline:

→Restlessness / Discontent, purple (begins at neutral and heads unmistakably below the midline till it reaches an unbearable low leading to change, usually quitting an activity)

→ Limbo, green ( a state of flux, moving over and under the mid line in wide arches, optimistic that something new is on the horizon, relived that the source of discontent has been removed, but anxious to discover what is next and uncertain of how long it will take)

→ Excitement / Happiness, orange (well above the midline with rapid peaks and dips and very energetic activity, establishment of something new, accepting the challenge of the new endeavor, mastering new skills, acquiring, new information, a period of rapid growth)

→ Busy / Contentment, red (Rapid movement steadying out to a solid above the midline calm, gaining comfort in the daily routines, feeling fulfilled by the situation, confidence in your abilities, quantitative evidence of success) which inevitably moves nearer to the midline neutral and settles into

→ Restlessness, purple → and onward.

I like to think of the cycles as segments of a multi volume story. As you can see from looking at my chart (the table of contents) I have identified two year cycles (chapters) that repeat within 7 year periods of time (parts). After deeper investigation, I have come to the conclusion that a third cycle exists over 10 year periods (volumes). If the chapters are lessons I must learn, the parts are themes of that time in my life, and the volumes are quests of my life, (are you following?)  then much can be learned by reflecting on what is already written.  This reflection will help me to write the next chapters, parts and volumes. While I am subject to life's cycles, I am still the author of my story.

In case you are wondering, No, I assure you, I am definitely NOT on drugs. And its about to get weirder / clearer.