23.11.10

beauty in chaos

This whole process started with a voice in my head, "It is time to get laser hair removal."  Now, I know what you MAY be thinking, but seriously stick with me here for a minute.  This whole fantasy of being fuzz free was never something I took seriously. Sure I had thought about it for a couple of years but I never looked into it online, never really asked around or got quotes and never thought I would spend that kind of money on something so frivolous (remember, I am a die hard thrifter, I don't pay more for things than I have to, and shaving was never SO terrible) but here I was on Monday November 8th in the middle of listing my vintage on esty, with a strong booming voice in my head "get your hair lasered off."  I told my husband, he promptly researched the local clinics that offer it, printed out pages on 7 places, which I called immediately, and the very last one I called sold me to the core. Within one hour of the prompting, I had an apt for the coming Friday and a quote that fit right under my predetermined budget.  And now I know why.

When you are in a certain position, and a laser is pointed right at your most, ahem, holy of holies, you had better bet that you and that woman holding the laser are going to be pretty tight pretty fast. She could have been anyone, but she just happened to be L., and she had a special message for me. Being a very receptive person, I listened to her message and followed through with my guts' reaction to do exactly what she said to do. I bought a book.  Well, actually my husband bought me the book (he knows me so well and though I don't ask for much, when I do, he knows its for a good reason). It's the one I told you about before, The Renaissance Soul by Margaret Lobenstein.   Saturday morning (this past Saturday) I read the introduction, put the book down, and started scribbling like a maniac on a piece of paper. This was the first lightning strike.  I knew I had patterns, cycles, wheels of emotion and activity that I moved in over the course very specific time lengths. I had to map them. I had to see the pattern. I could feel it but I needed concrete proof.  So I made a chart. I set it up to show the length of my life over the course of the months and years. I charted my life's major milestones. I recalled the periods of time that I inhabited specific overall emotional states. My scribble looked like this when I was done:
I admit it looks like an absolute mess to everyone but me. . . When I looked at this, I was hit by lightening again. I knew that I had to get it in a more presentable state, needed to be able to assign symbols to these milestones, colors to the emotional states, align the grid to be sure I was not pushing the data to reflect my hunch. The clarity of the computerized chart PROVED EVERYTHING.  I have very specific cycles. I also just happen to have been alive just long enough to really see the completion of a few major ones, and to recognize the patterns of behavior within each.  I could see exactly where I am RIGHT NOW.  Exactly why I felt that old familiar tug of restlessness. The feeling that so many times before, transformed into distaste and resentment, building to the final climax where I just QUIT. Quit, without notice, without something else to go to, without ever looking back. I would just dump it all, donate whatever vintage I had left, leave everything and start over fresh with something completely different, as I had too many times before.  I felt restlessness creeping in and I knew that everything I had been developing, enjoying, growing, nurturing, and learning from, was in jeopardy. This blog, the RELATIONSHIPS I have established, the outlet it provides me, the validation and comfort of seeing my thoughts archived so neatly, and the income my vintage selling has provided me (though small) has become the passion of my last year and a half.  Was I DESTINED to repeat the same pattern all over again??

I have been a retail store manager, a receptionist learning bookkeeping, a assistant to the buyer of a golf boutique, a barista, an art student, the next person in line to run an amazing arts non profit, a yoga and art therapy facilitator to girls with eating disorders, and now a blogger and vintage seller. This list doesn't even include my side hobbies of holistic medicine, blood type and its effect on how we digest food, yoga, philosophy, psychology, thyroid function, eastern religion, western religion, the elements, Fashion and style, watercolor painting, sculpting, sewing, clothing design, furniture design, furniture redesign, collecting, and finding the perfect pair of riding boots. With such varied interests and such random hobbies, where was I headed next, and would it even stick long enough to mean anything?  Or was there a way to use the Wisdom I have gained from mapping my cycles to just transform my current situation? I will tell you.

28 comments:

dressperado said...

This post rings true with me, too. I'm looking forward to your next one to read about where you are going with it.

I've changed focus a number of times -- all in creative fields. I'm in a I-don't-know-what's-next zone now. I'm going to check into that book -- it sounds like me.

Thank you.

San said...

Ah, girl Spill ITTTTTTT!!! You have me drumming my fingers here.

And by the way, we are pretty similar. I've had some major turning points. And every 1 1/2 year I get the itch to try something new. Currently I'm totally into classic music.

Thanks for sharing this.

Anonymous said...

THIS IS AWESOME!
You're definitely on to something great here!

Anonymous said...

Taking notes right now...I feel stuck...so what do I do ? I click on that book link and what's the first line that I see ? Get unstuck !!! Is it a sign. I called in sick from work and
I just bawled my eyes out at a movie (one of the best movies EVER - I highly recommend it to you Christina http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078841/
And now I,m spilling my heart out overhere. Is it a sign ? I hope to get some inspiration from you, C
An yes, my invitation to visit Montreal one day still stands. And I'm not a perverse stalker, I promise...

Betty said...

So much of this post was recognisable for me. I tend to flit around from job to place (even with a publishing deal and successful freelance career under my belt) and I'm ALWAYS looking for something new.

I think it's the lifestyle you're destined to have if you're free spirited and creative x

406 Olivia said...

Gaaaaaaaah! You're killing me!

San said...

just ordered the book!

Shallow Mallow said...

I get so preoccupied working out the patterns I fall into over and over and over again.

Nice to see you actually mapped yours so successfully!

Shallow Mallow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Merissa said...

Oh my, what a cliffhanger!!

Swalvs said...

You will tell and I can't wait... I know that cycle very well and I'm trying to get out of it so hard... Will you lead us? I believe in you though... Love! (I've got the package today, everything is perfect, I loved the cuff and note that you sent me! Thank you, you're an amazing person)

Anonymous said...

Are you on drugs?

archives said...

cliffhanger!

Anonymous said...

how fascinating! you left writer off your list, i mean it, you really have a gift of storytelling. i wish i were able to put my thoughts into words as well as you do. can't wait to read more of your words of wisdom!

kelly

Terri said...

I second Kelly's comment...writer should be on the list of past-times, vocations, aspirations.

Anonymous said...

I like the pretty pictures of you in your amazing clothes and gorgeous backgrounds better. This is a bunch of hoo haw.

casual ambiguity said...

ack, can you sign a book deal already!? i know author wasn't on your list but i swear, everytime you get into story mode on your blog and leave cliff hangers etc you literally have me hanging on to each word. even if i am not entirely sure what you are on about yet! haha.

cool chat, btw. looked complicated.

zoe said...

Part of me admires you as a peer in this blogging/fashion/art/generally creative world, in that I find your fashion very relevant to my life and style and I look to your for inspiration. Part of me sees you as a mother figure. You are a young woman, but older than I. You're further along in your life, more secure in your experiences. I think you are incredibly warm and wise, and each of your posts is something to look forward to. I've learned a lot from you, and hope to turn out as lovely, inspired, and in tune as I find you.

With love
Zoe

little l said...

I'm so intrigued! x

Jodi said...

I can't wait to read where this is going. I think my list is longer ;o). Maybe I should get that book. I just a assumed I was a bit flakey. Maybe there is a better explanation.

AprilT said...

I just bought this book the other day because after reading your post I thought "Oh, that is describing me!" Can't wait to read the book AND your next post!!

kim said...

Very interesting. I'm looking forward to reading what you've find out. I haven't discovered many patterns in my life, but I have noticed that for me, major events seem to cluster in short time periods. As if there is a certain timeslot for "big changes" every once in a couple of years. This is taking it to the next level.

duckalicious said...

this sounds very interesting. I can't wait for the sequel!

Snappy-Q said...

Maybe you should consider writing, because you have this way with words that just draws people in! Amazing.
I am so intrigued, and look forward to finding out more about what you have discovered.

Stylish'n'Chic said...

I have to say I'm really insterested in reading the next bit! And I think I would definitively buy that book. To bin this aspect: 100 different jobs I have ended up quitting, 100 different hobbies I take on and abandon after a while just to re-take them later on sometimes or to forzake them forever...Let's see how the story ends. I'm sure there is something to learn from it for sure!

Kind regards!
http://stylish-n-chic.blogspot.com/

Malicious Mallory said...

This sounds really interesting! I kind of want to buy this book now...

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, I didn't subscribe to your blog for all this. Sorry, but you lost me. Good luck with whatever all this babble is about.

summer said...

i'm a little late and maybe a bit unclear as to why you think your constant cycle of change is a bad thing for you. i think change can be good. and having your many experiences that are effecting those around you in, i'm sure, a positive state is a wonderful thing. you are going about life in your own way from manager to barista to art therapy facilitator for girls with eating disorders, that is amazing and frankly admirable. it's your world girl! dont't hold back because you think you're going in cycles, triangles, squares and rectangles. but what do i know i'm just and onlooker who knows you better than you!? right?!

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