THE REALLY UGLY

Let's just finish this up shall we.  Please note that this was a couple of years ago. I was a different person then.  A weaker, bottle my emotions till I burst person. I bottled so much up that I continually made myself sick. I didn't communicate well. I avoided conflict. I am not passing judgment here and I have been very careful to just state the facts as I understood them, and I will be fair and tell you what she said to me. I mean, maybe at the end of all of this you will feel judgmental of me. Fine.  I have no control over what you think of me. That is all you. What is is.

THE REALLY UGLY:

At this point I didn't know what was real and what was not. And frankly, it didn't matter anymore.  I was a changed person. Any compassion, understanding, sympathy, was gone.  All that was left was bitterness and rage. I knew what I had to do and I was going to do it.  Unfortunately the wall of poop stink that hit me the Sunday before, had brought back my sore throat and I proceeded to get sick as the week went on. I had lost my voice by Thursday, which kept things a little more simple I think. I didn't have to say much anyway, to get what was necessary. I went upstairs to the studio, where she was still happily singing and began grabbing my things. She asked what I was doing and I ignored her. Once my things were out, I went up with a trash bag and started bagging trash, not her things but obvious trash, old dirty paper plates, wrappers, random things. "Are you mad?  Do you want me to help you?  What's going on? Why are you ignoring me?" "S. You are going to move out today. My brother and his friend will be here at 1:00 to help you bag stuff up. They both have trucks. They will take the bags where ever you want, but this place will be empty by dark." Stunned silence. Tears. "Why are you doing this??  What made you change your mind? I don't understand this urgency.  You have to tell me!" "Well, the truth is, you said it yourself you are an excellent liar. I don't believe a word you tell me anymore. I don't trust you and I feel betrayed and I want you out immediately." INTENSE ANGER apparent on her face.  "I don't need this fucking shit. not from you!! You hear me! I have been through far too much I don't need to take that shit from you! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!! I will get my things out myself! I don't need anyones help!" "No. My brother will help you since you don't have a truck and there is too much for you to do on your own and be done before 8:00 tonight." I stayed calm. Like the eye of a tornado. I left her alone. I went downstairs and cracked once I was safely inside. I cried hard.  I felt awful and angry, and mean and proud of myself, and evil and good, and exhausted and shaky.  My brother and his friend came and she wouldn't let them help. I went upstairs again and saw that she was crying but stopped when she saw me. She ignored me. I told her that I knew she was mad but asked her to please accept their help so we don't have to drag this on into the night. She shook her head ok.

They all worked till 9:00. There were a few more confrontations. more yelling. mean words and poison from her. I kept my statements simple. They ended up leaving her things on her front lawn.

I received an email a couple of days later telling me that I was just a little peach fuzz that never worked a hard day in my life. That while she was in the garage, we sat like a king and queen in our castle and judged her from our thrones. That we had no right to judge since we didn't KNOW her. We had never seen the things she's seen. Don't we know that being normal is a disease? We could never hurt her. She would rise like the phoenix from all of this and emerge stronger, while we continued to wither from our disease.

I gotta tell you, it shook me.  My instinct was to write her back and tell her that I would rather have a disease I could cure in myself than a parasite like her. But I didn't. I let it go. Let her have the last word. I am sure what she said in her email was true to a point.  I have lived a pretty safe and posh life.  I have never been homeless as she has, abused or hungry, or at the mercy of someone else. Maybe I did act indecently and without grace there at the end. Or maybe I was just a fool for all of that time to let her walk all over me. I closed my heart off for a long time after that. I reflected. I went back to yoga. Saw a doctor. Quit my job. Cut ties with many people. Reevaluated. Cleaned my slate and started over.

A few months later I ran into her at my brother's high school graduation. She hugged me. It was weird. She seemed the same. Like the way she was when I met her. For a very brief moment I forgot everything that had happened. We smiled at each other. Then it was like we both remembered at the same time.  an ache in my heart. We stopped smiling and walked away into the crowd. I forgave her right then and I hoped that she forgave me.

So thats it.  My crazy ex-girlfriend story. I know you may have expected something different. Some of you feared that I was still hurting very much from all of this, but I am not. Not anymore. I even had someone caution me about moving forward. That maybe I should think twice about airing someone else's dirty laundry. Well, its my laundry too.  I have only written the truth.