22.8.10

THE REALLY UGLY

Let's just finish this up shall we.  Please note that this was a couple of years ago. I was a different person then.  A weaker, bottle my emotions till I burst person. I bottled so much up that I continually made myself sick. I didn't communicate well. I avoided conflict. I am not passing judgment here and I have been very careful to just state the facts as I understood them, and I will be fair and tell you what she said to me. I mean, maybe at the end of all of this you will feel judgmental of me. Fine.  I have no control over what you think of me. That is all you. What is is.

THE REALLY UGLY:

At this point I didn't know what was real and what was not. And frankly, it didn't matter anymore.  I was a changed person. Any compassion, understanding, sympathy, was gone.  All that was left was bitterness and rage. I knew what I had to do and I was going to do it.  Unfortunately the wall of poop stink that hit me the Sunday before, had brought back my sore throat and I proceeded to get sick as the week went on. I had lost my voice by Thursday, which kept things a little more simple I think. I didn't have to say much anyway, to get what was necessary. I went upstairs to the studio, where she was still happily singing and began grabbing my things. She asked what I was doing and I ignored her. Once my things were out, I went up with a trash bag and started bagging trash, not her things but obvious trash, old dirty paper plates, wrappers, random things. "Are you mad?  Do you want me to help you?  What's going on? Why are you ignoring me?" "S. You are going to move out today. My brother and his friend will be here at 1:00 to help you bag stuff up. They both have trucks. They will take the bags where ever you want, but this place will be empty by dark." Stunned silence. Tears. "Why are you doing this??  What made you change your mind? I don't understand this urgency.  You have to tell me!" "Well, the truth is, you said it yourself you are an excellent liar. I don't believe a word you tell me anymore. I don't trust you and I feel betrayed and I want you out immediately." INTENSE ANGER apparent on her face.  "I don't need this fucking shit. not from you!! You hear me! I have been through far too much I don't need to take that shit from you! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!! I will get my things out myself! I don't need anyones help!" "No. My brother will help you since you don't have a truck and there is too much for you to do on your own and be done before 8:00 tonight." I stayed calm. Like the eye of a tornado. I left her alone. I went downstairs and cracked once I was safely inside. I cried hard.  I felt awful and angry, and mean and proud of myself, and evil and good, and exhausted and shaky.  My brother and his friend came and she wouldn't let them help. I went upstairs again and saw that she was crying but stopped when she saw me. She ignored me. I told her that I knew she was mad but asked her to please accept their help so we don't have to drag this on into the night. She shook her head ok.

They all worked till 9:00. There were a few more confrontations. more yelling. mean words and poison from her. I kept my statements simple. They ended up leaving her things on her front lawn.

I received an email a couple of days later telling me that I was just a little peach fuzz that never worked a hard day in my life. That while she was in the garage, we sat like a king and queen in our castle and judged her from our thrones. That we had no right to judge since we didn't KNOW her. We had never seen the things she's seen. Don't we know that being normal is a disease? We could never hurt her. She would rise like the phoenix from all of this and emerge stronger, while we continued to wither from our disease.

I gotta tell you, it shook me.  My instinct was to write her back and tell her that I would rather have a disease I could cure in myself than a parasite like her. But I didn't. I let it go. Let her have the last word. I am sure what she said in her email was true to a point.  I have lived a pretty safe and posh life.  I have never been homeless as she has, abused or hungry, or at the mercy of someone else. Maybe I did act indecently and without grace there at the end. Or maybe I was just a fool for all of that time to let her walk all over me. I closed my heart off for a long time after that. I reflected. I went back to yoga. Saw a doctor. Quit my job. Cut ties with many people. Reevaluated. Cleaned my slate and started over.

A few months later I ran into her at my brother's high school graduation. She hugged me. It was weird. She seemed the same. Like the way she was when I met her. For a very brief moment I forgot everything that had happened. We smiled at each other. Then it was like we both remembered at the same time.  an ache in my heart. We stopped smiling and walked away into the crowd. I forgave her right then and I hoped that she forgave me.

So thats it.  My crazy ex-girlfriend story. I know you may have expected something different. Some of you feared that I was still hurting very much from all of this, but I am not. Not anymore. I even had someone caution me about moving forward. That maybe I should think twice about airing someone else's dirty laundry. Well, its my laundry too.  I have only written the truth.

49 comments:

Haven said...

I don't think anyone can or should judge you. I definitely would have acted a LOT less graciously were I in your situation.

I'm glad you've moved on and forgiven.

And you have every right to discuss YOUR life experiences on YOUR blog. If they don't agree with it, they can stop reading. :)

Meek said...

thank you for sharing, that was really intense and i am sorry that you had to go through that.

I believe that you did the right thing, you have to protect yourself and your family and your home. You reached out to someone in need and they took advantage of your kindness but then abused it and that is not right.

Kimberellie said...

Two things:

You are right, it's your laundry too. I think so often we think we cannot tell our stories because they involve other people. But, that can't be true; or we wouldn't be able to tell any stories! Just wanted to confirm your feelings there, because I know that I sometimes feel I can't or shouldn't tell certain things...but nope, you're right.

Secondly, I like how you didn't respond to here email. The pastor at our church always says this great statement: "Let them have the last word. You have the last action." And you did.

I think that you were not at all wrong for what you did in kicking her out.

Also, your outfit in the last post IS SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME.

ps. you have such a kind and loving and generous heart...it is hard to learn that not everyone is like you, isn't it? I once had 2,000 dollars stolen off me... But you learn right? Not everyone can be trusted. But still, it's better to be the sort of person who is caring and compassionate and trusting and CAN be taken advantage of, than to be the sort of person so cynical that no one can take anything from them because they have nothing to give.

ps. ps. you're great.

Carolyn said...

Wow. I've just tuned in to read the last two installments... at first I just saw the "really ugly" and didn't realise, then scrolled down for the "just ugly" Holy crap. What a crazy woman!!
I hope writing it out has helped the cathartic process for you. I'm sorry it made you sick with stress, but good for you for forgiving her in your heart, you're a better person than most people could be.

vero s. said...

So, I discover a narrator in a fashion-blog. what a surprise.
Thank you for sharing this experience. And, as we say in spanish, "todo lo que no te mata, te hace mas fuerte" sth like "all those things that dont kill you, strengthen you"

thanks,
your argentine reader

merciblahblah said...

Everything that Kimberellie said was spot on. So sorry you went through that, but having had my own experience with a crazy ex in the past, I know that you come out the other side a stronger person, and it made you who you are today. Are those experiences ones we would care to repeat? Probably not, but in the end they strengthen you.

Merci,
Shannan

Anonymous said...

You are so brave to recount this story to the world.
I am glad that you are not still hurting from this and are still able to be such an open person.

Kendra said...

You are an amazing writer. Thank you so much for sharing this story with us!! I enjoyed reading, and would love to read more of your writing, anytime you want to share!

Anonymous said...

That was truely an awful and dramatic experience..Thanks for sharing something that is so close to your heart. It s not easy to forgive and but its good you are able to do so :)


*Your reader from Singapore*

Kate said...

I think you did a fantastic job. It feels good to get things out and write them out on blogs. Good for you. Move on. Do yoga, drink tea, walk outside. Enjoy life and don't waste time on people who hold themselves back. Life is too short.

Rachel said...

Pretty crazy story, and I don't think anyone can judge you for sharing. It sounds like you learned a lot from the situation and are better for it; maybe she is too? One can hope. Thank you for sharing.

mvelis said...

WOW, that is some story.
Thanks for sharing.... and your right, its your story as much as it is hers. Air away!

: )

Jodi K said...

What a relief! I checked your blog before my email/FB! I had to hear how it ended. I think her email was textbook. There's always a little grain of truth that makes you wonder if they're right. Through the wacko's in my life, I have learned the value of shrewdness. I always thought that word meant something else, but it really means to apply wisdom. To see things as they really are and protect appropriate boundries. I don't get so angry that I shake anymore, because it never gets to that point. I think this story is so well told and I think a lot of people will recognize themselves or their destructive relationships in it. Thanks for sharing it with us!

Sidewalk Chalk said...

Wow, what a crazy story. You are incredibly brave and strong for having gone through this and come out of it intact. I think you did the right thing for yourself and your family, to get rid of this toxic relationship. It is your laundry as much as it is hers.

20 York Street said...

Your story reminds me of a girl who used to be my friend, who from the start seemed weird but then I was open minded and welcomed her. Turned out, she was a bit of a psycho and my gut was always right.

I'm glad you're not hurting anymore. You are a terrific writer, perhaps a book in the future?

http://twentyyork.blogspot.com

girlfacedana said...

you are amazing and this has been incredible to read.

miha, skinny buddha said...

i was really moved by your story. glad that you put it all behind you and that you learned so much from it. also, you have such amazing writing skills, i read and i read and i was hungry for more. i don't know if you ever considered this but you should difinitely do more writing. you have a gift.
thank you for sharing :)
love,
miha

Melissa said...

I would be really disappointed in anyone who would judge you or decide they don't like you after reading these posts.

This is YOUR story and your situation and no one has the right to judge.

I'm really glad that you've moved on. It sounds like you feel that this was, in retrospect, almost a good thing in that you've emerged stronger.

Thank you for sharing this. It really is a caution to everyone that while being open-minded is a GREAT thing, being careful is just as important. You did what you had to do. I commend and respect you for that.

Hannele said...

Riveting! and I mean story book material riveting, a would be paper back I'd want to read!
I can only imagine what this experience has taught you about trusting others, and that you've handled it the best way you could. To have opened up your home to a complete stranger seemingly in need was very generous. To let her go took a lot of courage. Kudos.
I don't think I would have had as much patience had been in your shoes.
xo

Anonymous said...

I know its weird to hear that a stranger is proud of you but I'm proud of you. You were harsh when it was called for and I don't think that's anything to feel guilty over. So you've never felt the hurt that she's felt in her life..so what. You showed her compassion when she needed it and that's all you can do as someone who is from a different place in life than she is. She took advantage of you and lied to you. I've met people like this, people with severe issues that make you feel crazy for seeing something wrong with the situation. You aren't crazy.

I'm glad you have a great family and a great life and I hope that you don't feel a crumb of doubt deep inside you that maybe she was right about you.

-Oregon

Anonymous said...

Tg

Anonymous said...

This story isn't ugly at all. Anything that ends in forgiveness is beautiful. Well done. -Pavones

Snappy-Q said...

Everyone else has put it so well, all I can say is way to stand up for yourself! You definitely did the right thing there, and I am glad you shared it with us.

Peace!

christa @ enSTYLEpedia said...

it seems like we always emerge better after crazy trials like this. you obviously did. stronger.
as horrible as this all was i must say again, this was totally riveting and highly entertaining...I don't know if that's what you were going for, but it totally worked for me.
i hardly ever comment but i look at your blog every time you update.

kornrose said...

Whoa...I just checked back in to your blog and read all the 'chapters' at once. I feel like I just watched the box set of a season of a great show...didn't have the wait that week in between cliffhangers to get to the good stuff. Seriously well-written and riveting!

Clearly this was a life-changing relationship for you and I appreciate your willingness to share it...something that could only be done after you've had enough distance from it all. Sounds like she has a personality disorder of some kind and there ain't no reasoning with that. They are masters at pulling people in and engendering that desire to care for them...even with all the shit (figuratively and literally!).

She put you through emotional and physical hell but you found your way out and it made you stronger. Bravo to that!

dear kate said...

i am so happy this worked out!
you kept stating that you were a meeker person then...i honestly believe these types of situations and people come into our lives to teach us things; make us stronger! sounds like you learned the lessons you needed to learn from her existence in your life!
thanks for sharing,
katie
ps: i too have been told i have a sheltered, boring, normal life and boy oh boy, i don't hate it! i feel very lucky...i am happy. :)

Two For Tea said...

Hi there! I just wanted to let you know that we've awarded you with a blog award :) Jessica and I (Cambria) just love your style and fervour. Please feel free to post the award image on your blog and pass it along to 10 others...here 'tis:

http://twoforteaplease.blogspot.com/2010/08/delectable-and-lovely-jen-from-style.html

Love from TwoforTea <3

Tina Z said...

Wow! I have no other words but that, wow. My defining story involved a guy, yes, so typical, and lasted about 5-6 years. Took another 1-3 years for me to really get it and learn a few valuable life lessons. Nice to hear that someone else's defining story didn't suck up years and years of their life.

Hannah said...

This was an emotional journey for me, and I wasn't even there. If this wasn't so unfortunate to happen in your real life, I'd say this was a fabulous story. As it is, you're a great writer. I'm sorry this had to happen to you.

Mandy Paige said...

Great story! Even the terrible experiences are nice ones when they change us for the better. No judgment here, I just ended my own crazy roommate situation two months ago. Oddly...VERY similar story, only I was living with a MARRIED COUPLE, and they were BOTH out of their minds...

Glad you learned the lesson and didn't let it break you. Love the outfit too; you have the BEST hats!

Anonymous said...

You saw S. at your brother's graduation? Does this mean she still lives in the area? It's been my observation and experience that people who are as you've described S. typically burn their bridges and have to move on. Holy moly! There's probably an S. Survivors Group in your town!

Even after this experience you still have a compassionate heart. That really touched me. Thanks for sharing a life lesson.

Paula

Sally said...

I'm definitely impressed, I would have lost my cool for sure. It's amazing that you've moved on past this. Congratulations.

Sally

George said...

I hope it was a cathartic experience writing all this! I know someone who manipulates in a similar way and it is strange how much sway they can hold over you with only their words.

George

Anonymous said...

Can I start by saying I love the way you write. I think you're quite poetic.
I recently had a similar experience when I took in two somewhat strangers in need who were in the same apartment building fires that I was. We gave them a spare room in our new apartment. The deal was, my bf and I would take care of rent, if they could manage the damage deposit. We took care of everything else. In short they became very sketchy very fast and were excellent liars. They pretended to be our friends and we had to kick them out as it reached a point where we could loose our apartment, my job, and have to appear in court.
Your post, and your readers comments have really helped me view things a lot differently. I really appreciate how many chances you gave S. even if she didn't. I really appreciate Kimberly's comments. Thank you Kimberly, they helped me put some anger behind me.

a huge fan xo keep your chin up

Diana Hunter said...

Trust me, in reading your blog I have never thought you were normal! At least not in the 'diseased' manner in which 'S' used it. You have always come accros as be creative, artistic and free - all qualities I would prefer over her, what ?, 'abnormality'!

In going through my own difficult times this last year my mom kept re-assuring me it is harder to take the high road, and it sounds as though you did. I am glad you have forgiven her for your own sake and it sounds like 'S' could use your grace and compassion, maybe just not your home!

anythingreen said...

I've been following your blog for a few months now, but have never commented. But I just wanted to share that I had a similar experience with an ex-friend who was a pathological liar and kleptomaniac (i didn't figure this out till much much later) and things ended badly. i still miss her as a friend, and haven't really found a replacement yet. But I've realized that I really need a good girl friend in my life. You've inspired me to make an effort. If you can move on, then so can I!

Rebekah said...

Your story makes me sad. You have met the "liver fluke", parasitic, disgusting, excuse making till the end. You can't understand because your life has been forever pampered and lived on a bed of roses. It's sad because my own sister is like this and although we share an upbringing, she likes to tell others I am somehow raised in a completely different environ and that is why I have not screwed over every person in my life. Some people are just users and you have learned a very importent and lifelong lesson on how to recognize the human parasite. You know you did the right thing. Good for you.

RETRO REVA said...

Oh sweetie,
Someone who judges is just someone who "needs to judge" to feel better about themselves ;)
You are amazing and you learned a lot from the experience, took charge, and got to look inward for answers as in yoga. I bet you are a better person for the experience as well.
See how inspiring you are ?
xoxoxo

Brianna said...

What does not kill you only makes you stronger.... somewhat annoying saying but does it ever ring true. You went through some serious drama but came out a stronger person and now still seem to see a lot of good in other people which is amazing. Good for you!!!

freddy said...

forget it and be slounge!

Haiku Ambulance said...

OH

KAY

...

I read this yesterday, but didn't have time to comment.

...

It's amazing.

Somehow, I felt a GREAT catharsis after reading the entire thing. I will most likely read it again today, in its literal entirety.

I just can't get over it. It's so unbelievable, I feel like if there were a few dragons and such, I might feel like it were more realistic.

Really.

I'm just in shock.

I feel like (were I you) I would still be huddled into a tiny ball, murmmering, "toilet.full.of.shit." over and over again until the day I died.

You, my lady- are a hero. A true motherfucking hero.

Heroine.

.Haiku

tracy said...

Wow.
I'm amazed at your strength and S. is wrong. You're the true phoenix of this story.

And I agree with kimberlie. She may have the last word with that e-mail but you have the last action.

You're an inspiration to many, y'know. :)

Kyla said...

You had be on the edge of my seat with this one! I kept checking every day for the finale! I can't believe some people out there. Unbelievable, huh?

On a side note, I'm glad that it was only poo in the toilet - for a minute there, I was expecting the smell to be the two dead people!

Terri said...

There's a short story by Charles Baxter entitled "Shelter" that echoes the same themes of your story. You may want to read it...for the reassurance that you CHOOSE to live the way you do and she CHOOSES to live the way she does.

Sybil said...

OMG. You wrote my story.
You could've been more of a bitch, but you weren't. I should've been too, ... Lessons learned, and I always look forward to "reading" you as well as checking out your rockin' outfits.

:o)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing.

There are two people whom I was once very close with but eventually had to "break up" with. I've always felt a little wierd about it and I know not everyone understands why. It's nice to see there are others who have been through similar experiences. Maybe I will check out the short story Terri reccomended.

~KD

Glitter Scrubs said...

Holy moly. I had to read these stories all over again multiple times from beginning to end because I keep shaking my head in disbelief. I can't quite comprehend why someone would treat you that way, especially when you were so sick at the time. I guess she had some personal demons of her own. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing these, you certainly didn't have to, but I'm so glad you did, because so many people might be involved or getting screwed in similar situations.

Anonymous said...

Have had a similar house guest from hell experience. Only this was a relative which made it a lot harder to accept. He stayed with us for 4 months until we gradually realized he was a manipulating basket case with real mental problems that his family had failed to mention. Threatened my mum, caused aggro between my parents, made us feel on edge in our own home, but the final strike was when after telling him it was time to move out said that he was going to kill himself, that was when we got really scared for him and us. He went on to stay with another relative who had the same experience. After he left we all felt like a huge pressure had been lifted off our backs. But it still took a long time to get over and to trust people again, you just don't expect this sort of thing to happen in your own home.
<3 Alice

TavoLini said...

Props to you for letting it go. That's the strangely hard part. After all the screaming, moving, and emotional angst...just "ignoring" it always seems so hard.

Good for you. I'm glad you got those sick ass boots out of this ;)

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