I have begun to work through, haphazardly, my comments from the last post and responding to each one of them. I was so (BLLAAAAAAA WHAT IS THE FREAKING WORD??!!!) moved, surprised, Inspired, warmed, melted, jaw gaping open with amazement, thankful, heartbroken, wanting to repair my teleporter so I can zip over to any random corner of the world for tea (or coffee, Amanda) and thinking that perhaps the thing that is keeping my connections, maybe less than what they could be on the internet, is me and my holding on the the "physical experience as the ultimate ideal" a little too hard. I think If I pace myself I can find that electronic connections, while more time and energy intensive, may well be extremely valuable just as they are, not needing the physical ideal to flourish. My heartbreak only comes from a place that demands Ideals, and if I let that go just a little, I may well open my heart to the comfort of a good long spanning email conversation to someone in Paris, or the UK, or Israel, or Canada, or anywhere where YOU are. Again, thank you so much for telling me how you feel. It meant so much to me.
Oh, last little thing! I am working with someone who is helping me shape the business end of my business! She is an amazing woman and when we have the details worked out I will continue to share that process with you! Its so incredibly exciting to see some actual evidence that this thing is coming to fruition! I apologize for my patchy attendance in this space but I do intend on continuing to regularly blog and include outfit photos and for those of you who are wondering, the vintage selling will continue eventually, I am just not sure exactly when and how much of it. I still have three rolling racks stuffed with stuff so its got to get to the shop eventually somehow! Allrighty!! Thanks again!!
- I had to identify my discontent with my current situation and understand WHY I was feeling so discontented. THE ANSWER: While I love blogging, the clothes and style and "meeting" people online and talking about bigger issues sometimes and all that the internet allows me, IT DOES NOT give me any face time with these wonderful people I meet. I read comments and visit blogs and feel like all of this is just empty shadows. So difficult it is to make TRUE connections and even when one is established those feel tortured and frustrating for me, and quite simply heart breaking since I feel I can never REALLY know you and you can never REALLY know me unless we are in each other's presence. Through all of my introspectiveness, looking back on my cycles and past endeavors, the things I truly crave and value are face to face relationships. An hour over tea, or talking about a great book together, talking "IRL", a REAL energetic exchange. Working with women in real life is something that I know I want to do. It won't necessarily replace the friendships I have established online, but it will fulfill the need for human contact that I feel is lacking, specifically with women.
- I had to identify the source of my self doubt and self sabotaging drives. I have wanted to do something like this for a really long time but somewhere inside I worried that I was not good enough. That I would give up if things got difficult and that my investment into starting a business would be lost. NOT THAT I WOULD FAIL, but that I would just give up and flake when things are going well (as I have so many times before). I was (am) actually afraid to succeed. I do not fret about no one calling me, In fact I have a list of people lined up and waiting for me to go live with it (and that scared (s) the hell out of me). I worry that I will over extend myself, promise more than I can physically deliver. This was (is) a biggie for me, and something I am consciously working on in my daily yoga classes. I didn't (don't) have faith in my physical abilities. Not that I am going to be running marathons with these women and lifting weights in their closets, but I have generally viewed myself as a physically weak person, easily tired and overwhelmed, unable to cope with stress and demands of predetermined obligations. Sounds pretty wimpy and pathetic right? Well it is, and I am not weak and I am not a wimp. I am gaining the confidence and building my strength.
- I had to identify my natural gifts and figure out how to best use them to help myself and others. While I may not have as much experience helping others to see their own unique personal style, I know what it feels like to have identified and feel comfortable in my own. My real skill though is in communication. And communicating delicate issues face to face is something I know I can do well. I feel confident that I can ask the right questions leading people to have realizations about themselves, even if it is on a sort of exterior level. I do believe that the path to thinking about what is inside, may start by looking at yourself on the outside in a new way. My experience with blogging has helped me understand many things about our external identity and how it effects our true internal identity. Using this understanding and my other gifts of communication and perhaps some layering tricks, I can make a positive impact on women and maybe even plant the seeds of self acceptance. A persons signature style is not based on fashion rules or trends or anything like that, it is what the person feels most true to self in. What a great way to start accepting that self.
- I have had to accept MY SELF. An important lesson and one I am still learning and will continue to learn as I move forward with this.
- I have had to understand what I value, how I measure success and what I consider to be failure. Important information when deciding to start a business.
Now, Its not like every person has to do this to start a business. A mean, self sabotaging part of me envisions some meanie out there reading this and thinking "Who the hell does this girl think she is? Why is she making such an enormous big deal out of this? So what! She is going to try to be a stylist. Big freaking whooptie doo. Glad I stayed on for that." And I have no idea if this meanie will really exist but if they do, whatever. I have been consciously trying to ignore that meanie in my head and I will do the same to any real life meanies. This is how I have decided to consciously move forward with this new endeavor and the process I have needed to go through. The next time I blog I will describe the services I will actually provide. I have been refining them over the past two weeks and would love to run them by you (not any potential meanies, but those of you who I really want to have tea and talk with.) Thank you for sticking by me and reading about my thing. The most heartbreaking thing is that I can't just tell you about all of this. You have to read it and my voice and the feeling is all lost.
- (Year One) Do not buy a tree from Rite Aid. Our poor tree died after only two weeks. Instead get a tree from the tree farm in Carson by Craft Barn, and maybe wait till the 13th.
- (Year Two) Remember that you make your own Christmas Spirit. If you are happy and cheery it will rub off on everyone around you and that is the secret, just be happy.
- (Year Three) Christmas will come no matter how prepared you are and everyone will be happy no matter what you get them. Just make sure you have Chocolate Ice cream next year. (A Common theme. I think I say this every year.)
- (Year Four) Don't bother trying to shop online unless you know EXACTLY what you want and you get it before Thanksgiving. The internet is too frustrating to window shop in. (This was 2006, so much has changed and THANK YOU INTERNET for ETSY.COM)
- (Year Five) Don't let family Dramas get to you. Some one will always be a grinch and just understanding that to begin with will help you cope in the long run.
- (Year Six) Evan Always is SUPER thoughtful and really deserves some extra thought as well. Hint: Don't wait till the last Minute!! Plan early for Success.
- (Year Six) Only get gifts for people you are ACTUALLY close to this year. LESS = LESS STRESS
- (Year Six) Don't get run down. You got sick by trying to do too much and staying up late.
- (Year Two) Make as many Gifts as possible. They are much less stressful and liked more than anything I could buy. Plus they are usually somewhat functional and people seem to like that.
- (Year Three) Don't be Afraid to ask for help when you need it. I am Pregnant this year and couldn't even clean my own house. Mom cleaned it for me and did a great job, Ginger (mother in law) did some Christmas Shopping for us and Evan wrapped the gifts. All leading the the LEAST stressful Christmas I have ever had. (I had debilitating morning sickness.)
I failed to make the lists for years 7, 8 and 9, for strange reasons, but I am resuming the lists this year. I love looking back and reliving my thoughts from all of the years past, reflections on how things went and what seemed to be important to me. I have a feeling it is going to be the very best Christmas to date!!
Scarf, cardi, vest, tee, boots: thrifted
I have some early appointments this morning, but plan to post a bit more here this afternoon. A dear friend of mine called me yesterday and told me he had been reading along on my blog and had been trying to guess what my new focus was for my life. I didn't mean for it to be a guessing game! I'll try to get right to it. . . later.
Coat, shirt, boots: thrifted vintage
Socks: J. Crew
Hat: marshalls or ross or someplace random