I am starting massage therapy school tomorrow. THIS IS HUGE FOR ME. So you might recall that about this time last year I had a mini meltdown and sold all of my vintage stuff off in huge collections and virtually gave the rest away and quit the blog and went into a total hermetic state for a few months then came back in October and was talking all this sort of abstract, kind of ungrounded crazy talk, then retreated again until, like, a few weeks ago? Well, that's sort of what it might have looked like from here. And that is sort of what happened actually, but from where I am standing now, peering back over the year, A FEW HUNDRED SHIT TONS OF STUFF WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. I think I actually get the concept of alchemy now.
alchemy |ˈalkəmē|nounthe medieval forerunner of chemistry, based on the supposed transformation of matter. It was concerned particularly with attempts to convert base metals into gold or to find a universal elixir.• figurative a process by which paradoxical results are achieved or incompatible elements combined with no obvious rational explanation : his conducting managed by some alchemy to give a sense of fire and ice.
Ya. I went medieval on my own ass. Not claiming that I am now made of solid gold or anything, but shit is purified and transformed. I know, I am sounding like a total bad ass right now (please read my humble sarcasm) but last night I finished a fitness challenge that I started 3 months ago at my local Mixed Martial Arts studio and I am totally and completely blown away by my stats. (I am a fitness machine.) Then finally FINALLY, I am heading toward a license that will actually allow me to touch and heal people through massage. These two things are seemingly unrelated, I realize, but to me they are actions of alchemy that are transforming my base metals into freaking sunshine.
Its obvious and concrete how the fitness challenge, intense and global, including weights and cardio and kicking and punching hard, and balance and diet, transformed my body from soft to hard (though flexible and agile), but the way I arrived at my decision to go to massage school (really just the next leg of my journey) takes a much more winding route, that totally started back when I was all, "I discovered my Dharma!" and shit, like a year and a half ago. Maybe I'll pull that post up for those that care to check it out. . . naw, I'll just summarize since it was a long ass time ago: "Holy shit guys! I think the universe just opened up and gave me the gift of knowing EXACTLY why I have been put on this earth and all of the good things I am capable of and it was beautiful and incredible! But they only showed me in pictures, not words, and really, only the outcome, so I have to sort of figure out how in the hell I am supposed to do all this great shit now. . . "
Oh, by the way, the "great shit" was that I am to awaken people to see their own light. Plant seeds in their hearts so that they can grow spiritually and accomplish their own dharmas. I was excited about all of this, but feeling a little daunted by the task. Various reasons: I had seriously about ZERO friends in real life (though lots of friends on the internet living miles and miles away) and felt insecure about my ability to meet people and make new friends. Or NOT EVEN FRIENDS, just like people that want seeds planted in their hearts and shit by a total stranger. Ya. So there was that. Next, I got physically exhausted very easily and couldn't even muster the mental willingness or physical knowhow to plant any ACTUAL PLANT SEEDS, let alone spiritual seeds. So, there was that. On top of all of that stuff, I just BAAAAARLEY got my little dharma heart seedling planted when the herbicides of self doubt and insecurity almost shriveled them to dust. Obviously I had to take some time to nurture and grow my own seeds before I even dared give gardening advice.
So. Quit the blog. Tried to make real friends. Felt like I lost a few (due to my own reclusive nature and not keeping in contact via email and shit) Read a million books and tested out lots of crazy shit (some not so crazy, almost all super fun or incredibly interesting) Nearly blew up my brain and went to see a therapist (who helped me see why I had so much difficulty cultivating and keeping female relationships. HUGE huge work. Now I have a couple really real authentic friends and it feels really nice.) Thought maybe I would go back to college and get my masters degree in philosophy and signed up for some classes (Those just ended. The classes were not what I had hoped they would be BUT my professor was SO Great, this 70ish year old guy who had lived in New Orleans for about 40 years and was all into hypnotism and tarot cards and astrology and shit! We are friends now and meet up to discuss metaphysical matters and behavioral psychology. All I really wanted when I signed up for classes was to be able to shoot the shit with someone who had read and experienced WAY more than me so that worked out perfect.), then finally focused on strengthening my physical body and willpower through the fitness challenge, and now here I am. Beginning massage school.
Do I wish I would have known that massage school was the next length of the journey back a year ago? NO WAY. I had to do all that crazy stuff. Do I know EXACTLY what type of massage I will do or what I will do after? Nope and it doesn't matter. I feel SO on my right path, so I am just going to stay present and keep on heading that direction. I was the whole time, even when I was lost and mixed up and sad and insecure.
I failed to journal about Universal Laws 3 and 4, the laws of vibration and duality, but its ok. They were huge ones for me though. Is anyone else doing it?