Absorption

Well hello there. It's been a bitter cold month. I have been in hibernation. Almost quite literally. I just wanted to pop in quickly though to say that once the weather warms the freak up, I will venture out into the world again. I see signs of thaw all around so it shouldn't be too far off! And I am heading to the desert this weekend to warm my bones so that should recharge me a bit. My husband thinks I am like Super Girl (this is Superman's cousin who was also rocketed off the planet Krypton right before the explosion but landed on earth a grown teenager, and coincidentally actually metabolizes the sun's energy more efficiently than Superman making her a bit more powerful than her super cousin. Just a little bit of trivia for you.) in the sense that I get my super powers from the yellow sun and need to be taken to it occasionally to grown my strength. Who knows. Maybe I just need more Vitamin D. In any case, see you soon. And thank you, THANK YOU very much for your comments on my last post. I have been absorbing lots more wisdom from my Yoga instructor that I will share when I get back. I also feel much MUCH better than I did that day. I just needed to take a little break from some things to reassess and freshen up. Ok, Well. Ya. *smile*

A lesson for myself

I wrote this yesterday:

I found this chart doing a google search for Apathy. Am I the only one who googles my mental states to better understand them? After studying the chart, I was reminded of my crazy cycles charts from last November. I knew this was coming. Self fulfilling prophecy?  Meh. Does it matter?  Who cares. The reality is I have to change my freaking perspective. Get a new hobby. Volunteer. Get a real freaking job like everyone else. I read that the cure for apathy is competence. Competence brings relaxation, control and even flow, the highest form of self actualization. If one does nothing, they will lose motivation to do anything and unchallenged, grow stupid and apathetic. I have to do something. Quick. Before I get into a pathetic negative energy loop where I feel guilty for feeling apathy since I can really do anything if I wasn't so freaking apathetic.


Today I feel much different. It seems my apathy was actually a coping mechanism protecting me from feeling sad. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad sometimes. Feeling sad is the opposite of feeling happy and we can't fully appreciate one without the other. Sadness provides a stark contrast so that when we are happy we know it. If I went through life feeling apathetic I would never suffer sadness, which awakens my brain and forces it to check for what is wrong so that I can make improvements. So today I am sad. And I know perfectly well why. . . and I am sitting with that and dealing with it like a mature adult . . . Crying my brains out and promising myself to make a greater effort in some areas of my life. As my friend said yesterday "I don't have to like the work, but I will love the results." (she is starting the P90X DVDs again today, and while my work is more internal, it still applies) Yoga this week has been all about shoulder work and opening the heart, an area that is incredibly tight for me. I have been crying in every class but today a shit ton of emotions opened up like a damn breaking. It was great. I felt sick and had to lay down for the last half of the class. Seems I was bottling some stuff in. Its all coming out now though.

I am blogging about this because I feel like there are others that might be like me and may find comfort in knowing that they are not alone. I felt alone today for a bit. . . But I know I am not and I am not asking for anything from you, whoever reads this. It just feels good to put it all out there. I am not even teary anymore. I am going to go get myself cleaned up now. Thank you for investing for a minute.

One last thing, My yoga instructor today said, "When you are sad try not to judge yourself. Think of yourself the way you would if you found your best friend feeling sad." That said, I am giving myself a big mooshy hug, making myself a nice cup of tea, and wiping my face with a warm wash cloth while petting my hair. It looks freaking ridiculous but I would try to make my best friend laugh a little too so I guess that works!

you can ring my bell.

LOOK AT THESE. . .  seriously. This artist (her name is Irina Werning and she is a photographer currently working in Buenos Aires, Argentina) has recently made it to my list of incredible geniuses that I would love to meet one day. I found her while sniffing around the internet this week (thank you Jackie!) Irina says that she has always been interested in vintage photographs and always tried to imagine how the people in them would feel and look if they tried to reenact them today. She started this project in 2010 and I believe it is ongoing. For more please check out her site.

A few other delicious tidbits to share:

1. Anyone interested (even the slightest bit) in SEX ought to read "Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex" by Mary Roach. I take my sexual health just as seriously as my overall physical health (so that means A LOT, in case you don't know me well) and this book was not only interesting and enlightening, its also incredibly funny and has some great visual aids. Example: chapter 9 is titled The lady's Boner and there is a picture of someone gently pressing a desk bell. (dude, seriously, scroll through them. Tell me those images don't give you a little smile.) THEN, If you have a morbid curiosity about dead bodies (as I do) Mary Roach also wrote a great one called "Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers." Great Great book. 
2. Deanna! I finally have a concise answer for you. You asked: For me personally Helath= . . . ?  I dilly dallied and thought about it for a long time and had an elaborate checklist at first (my eyes are clear and moisturized as well as my brain. . .  bla bla bla) but the simple answer and the one I feel very certain of is this Health = Balance. Balance in every way you can imagine. 
3. Alexander commented on my last post regarding Significant Occurrences in life, and lead me on a wild, all night searching and reading till my contacts dried onto my eyeballs, past midnight and my head exploded and I got all jabberwalkied, by simply introducing me to the term Synchronicity. "Google it." Thats what he said. "It will open a whole new world." Yep. Thanks. New world in the house.
4. Lets see, what else . . . that might be it for now.  Enjoy your weekend!! 
5. EDIT: I knew there was something else! BEAR GRYLLS. The man of Man vs. Wild. He has a blog. Have you ever watched this man start a fire by rubbing two sticks together?  My husband just got me the first like 5 seasons or so on DVD, so, I have watched him do it several times now, and it just keeps getting better. Bear has now replaced Paul Newman as "The other man" in my life. Well not replaced, Paul will always have a special place in my heart, but Bear is a little closer to my age, and well, alive.  Totally private and probably none of anyone's business but all of the things on this list have been my obsessions this week. "Now hold it gently, like you would hold a butterfly. You don't want to crush it but you don't want to let it go. . . and blow." -Bear Grylls, getting a fire started. 

Don't call it fate. . .

 . . . but I have to call it something. Don't worry Merl, it's not what you think. Though it is something significant.  See. . . How do things come together?  Hypothetically speaking, how do significant things happen?  Or really, if we want to go there, how does anything happen for that matter, since perhaps significance is simply perspective. I feel a strong feeling about X therefore it is significant, as opposed to feeling benign about something making it insignificant. Some people call meaningful jaw dropping occurrences fate or destiny. Some people think that things just happen spontaneously and that once in a while amazing things overlap and cross creating good feeling coincidences. Some people feel like everything that happened and ever is going to happen is already written and all we must do is submit to it and accept it, while there are people on the extreme opposite as well who feel that life is chaos with no pointed and defined path.

I don't actually worry too much about these things. I know it seems I talk a lot about cycles and purposes and inner compasses and things like this, but worry or fret are not a part of that thinking. I am one of those people that see miracles everywhere though. Simple and complex. Earthly and Ethereal (not that either of those is more simple or complex than the other).  I can be certain though, that my detour to The Salvation Army last week (with Merl and Paige, where I ran into Terra and purchased both this Skirt and Mint Sweater) was important. I almost didn't go there. I had several shops to choose from and even made a wrong turn, but we stuck to the plan (and happened to find beautiful things for Emily, Zoë and Amanda while we were at it) to start out our girls retreat in Lake Tahoe last weekend. That was a Significant Occurrence. . . SO I will call it. Simple: I found both this skirt and top which are perfect companions and fit like a dream and just happen to be amazing. Complex: We happened to run into my dear friend Terra who lives in Washington actually, but was visiting Reno for just a couple days and only got out for one hour to hit the shop that we happened to go to, but almost didn't.  Hmm. Both felt SO cool.

Then we have this past weekend. Paige wanted to celebrate her birthday this year with a small handful of Women she felt a connection with whom she met through her blog. She loves cabins and snow and snuggling by the fire so she chose Lake Tahoe as the destination. I live nearby and found us a cabin we could all pitch in for and afford. Six women flew into Reno on Thursday from all over the states (and Canada, ey!) then we made our way to our weekend abode. So many stories were shared, so much laughter, cooking and reading and learning and asking and searching and feeling. There was something very cleansing and fortifying about last weekend for me. Vulnerable and Confident at the same time. There were so many complexities and relationships between experiences and pasts, yet I have emerged from the weekend feeling like things are so SO simple. The more I look into others, the more I see myself. I see how I am connected to everyone. If I let myself be. It's so easy to love when you see that depth and realize that that sameness exists. I love these women.

And I see now why this blog has been so important to me and why I can't give it up completely. It may appear to be a style blog, but it is not just that. I may enjoy clothing and connecting found items from random thrift stores, but the real reward for me has been the depth of personal connections it has allowed me to find here on the internet. The outfits I wear are, yes and expression, but really deep down a lure to attract your attention. Much the way a flower grows as it does to attract the bee. The bee sees it, and if it is the bee's "kind" of flower it will land and perhaps did deeper to find the good stuff. The flower will bloom either way and produce as much nectar as it will, but if the bee stops, digs in and finds the nectar, it can take some of the essence of that flower with it and mix and sprinkle it around where ever it goes. We all take the roles of bees and flowers in my opinion. This metaphor can be taken much further, but I don't want to burden you with too much more nectar right now. My final point is that I Believe in Symbiosis. With nature, with the universe, with people (who are in my opinion both). Maybe it's not Fate that brings people together, but it is SO Amazing.

All items thrifted. Though the necklace was a thrift gift from Paige. Thank you.