A lesson for myself
I wrote this yesterday:
I found this chart doing a google search for Apathy. Am I the only one who googles my mental states to better understand them? After studying the chart, I was reminded of my crazy cycles charts from last November. I knew this was coming. Self fulfilling prophecy? Meh. Does it matter? Who cares. The reality is I have to change my freaking perspective. Get a new hobby. Volunteer. Get a real freaking job like everyone else. I read that the cure for apathy is competence. Competence brings relaxation, control and even flow, the highest form of self actualization. If one does nothing, they will lose motivation to do anything and unchallenged, grow stupid and apathetic. I have to do something. Quick. Before I get into a pathetic negative energy loop where I feel guilty for feeling apathy since I can really do anything if I wasn't so freaking apathetic.
Today I feel much different. It seems my apathy was actually a coping mechanism protecting me from feeling sad. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad sometimes. Feeling sad is the opposite of feeling happy and we can't fully appreciate one without the other. Sadness provides a stark contrast so that when we are happy we know it. If I went through life feeling apathetic I would never suffer sadness, which awakens my brain and forces it to check for what is wrong so that I can make improvements. So today I am sad. And I know perfectly well why. . . and I am sitting with that and dealing with it like a mature adult . . . Crying my brains out and promising myself to make a greater effort in some areas of my life. As my friend said yesterday "I don't have to like the work, but I will love the results." (she is starting the P90X DVDs again today, and while my work is more internal, it still applies) Yoga this week has been all about shoulder work and opening the heart, an area that is incredibly tight for me. I have been crying in every class but today a shit ton of emotions opened up like a damn breaking. It was great. I felt sick and had to lay down for the last half of the class. Seems I was bottling some stuff in. Its all coming out now though.
I am blogging about this because I feel like there are others that might be like me and may find comfort in knowing that they are not alone. I felt alone today for a bit. . . But I know I am not and I am not asking for anything from you, whoever reads this. It just feels good to put it all out there. I am not even teary anymore. I am going to go get myself cleaned up now. Thank you for investing for a minute.
One last thing, My yoga instructor today said, "When you are sad try not to judge yourself. Think of yourself the way you would if you found your best friend feeling sad." That said, I am giving myself a big mooshy hug, making myself a nice cup of tea, and wiping my face with a warm wash cloth while petting my hair. It looks freaking ridiculous but I would try to make my best friend laugh a little too so I guess that works!