Take my breath
There are only two activities that I allow myself to lose my breath with full abandon : 1. Singing at the top of my lungs while dancing (but I take it song to song, no stamina here really) and 2. er. . . basket weaving. . . if you catch my drift. Both are joyous activities and worth the huff and puff, and in the end I feel great and drink lots of water and carry on. Any time I try the other activities I listed above, I have a panic attack, start crying, feel like I will throw up, shake, and STOP everything. It's silliness. So this all came up this past weekend while I had some fit friends staying with me from LA. They do P90X and invited me to try the Plyometrics CD with them. I was nervous to do it. I honestly wanted to refuse and stomp my feet for them even suggesting it, but, they were my guests and I will try almost everything once. We get started. I am doing fine. In through my nose, out through my mouth. Control. Calm. Form. Steady. Until 20 minutes in and I start to feel it. Tears welling, Chest heaving. I lose my breath. I sit down and watch the last 40 minutes. My guests huff through it. Like Freaking Champs.
I talked to my yoga instructor Tuesday morning about it. I told her I worry that no matter how long I can stay in chair pose, or how many chuturangas I can do, I fear I am cardiovascularly weak. She suggested that I face my fear and work through it. Choose and activity that allows me to completely focus on my breath and if I start to lose it inhale deep and exhale as if I am blowing up a balloon. OK. I made a play list of PERFECT songs, headed to the treadmill . . . i n h a l e . . . and began. Beast Of Burden by the Rolling Stones. It always gets me moving. Things went fine for a while, speed 4 incline 5%, not too crazy, good songs, controlled breath, then about minute 12, I started to feel it. Tears welling. Its okay, breath, breath. I got past it and enjoyed 12 more minutes of actual pleasure. ON THE TREADMILL. By minute 25 I realized I could make it to 2 miles by 30 minutes. I decided I could pick it up a little, speed 4.8, jogging. It was fine! I handled it well! I felt GOOD! By minute 28 I decided to slow down. Went to 3.5 and changed the song to a cool down tune.
Wilco. One from way back. One of the few I really love. Like a freaking volcano, I burst into tears. Hysterical, laughing, have to hold on the to the handles of the treadmill to keep from falling off, blabbering crying. It felt euphoric. No anxiety, no sick feeling, pure freaking bliss! I was hugging myself with one arm hearing the words "I love you!" in my head. It was freaking surreal. Like after some really great "basket weaving" sessions. Just 2 miles in 30 minutes. Thats all it took. I kid you not. I can't wait to do it again tomorrow. Not that I expect the same result, its just, now, I KNOW I can do it. Its a good first step. And I am not so scared.
These pictures were taken just after (well, after a hot shower).
Coat: Kenneth Cole
Leggings, Scarf, Dress: AA