Still Crazy, after all these years

So a few weeks have past. I am practicing non judgment now so it's no big thing.  Moving on.

I left off in a precarious sort of humbled state in my last post about weaving. The end of that story was going to be eloquently written and convey my personal lesson and all of that, but I am pretty much out of that mode right now. Long story short, I went back and read all of the boring introduction stuff that I had skipped in the weaving book and found this great statement that pretty much changed my whole outlook. I gave the book back to my teacher so I can't quote it, but I'll paraphrase.

When a Navajo girl weaves her first piece on the loom she dedicates herself to weaving just stripes. This gives her muscles memory, teaches her about her loom and helps her to develop her personal weaving style without having to worry about the more technical aspects. The Navajo people enjoy the process of weaving and look forward to all of the pieces they will eventually weave in their life. They can take the time to weave their first piece in just stripes.

When I read this I felt very comforted. I decided to strip the old loom I had found at the thrift store and re warp it. With the help of my teacher, I was ready to begin weaving some stripes. I figured that if I was going to DO this thing, a little patience and step by step progress would serve me well. Over the next couple weeks I weaved stripes and found the peace I experienced while weaving my first piece. I am still working on it now actually. I will photograph it when I am finished. I love it though. I love the process.
Image details can be found on my Tumblr

In other news, I am still reading like a maniac. I finished a few more books on esoteric topics, spirituality, stuff like that. As Serene said in a previous comment, I am really searching right now and have actually been finding the answers I  have been looking for. Those answers have been less in the text though and more in my heart.  Everything I am reading has been leading me to a deeper awareness inside of me.  I was having a hard time trusting myself for a little while though. I admit, for a minute I thought I might be going crazy. I started a desperate attempt at seeking validation externally again in a more private way and got crickets at every request.  It made me begin to doubt the very thing I rely on to guide me through this life! My internal compass, my truth detector, my bullshit meter, all of my instruments would have had to be re-calibrated but I wouldn't have the faintest idea of what code I would recalibrate them to? My personal code has served me so well my whole life. My invisible energetic team. . .  whatever that feeling is when I know something is right and something is wrong. . .  How could that be off?  I was in a crisis for a minute or two. My doubt in myself actually made me SICK to the point that my HEAD EXPLODED. Literally. The pressure built up so much that I ruptured my ear drums. Blood and pus were dripping out, it was effing sick, let me tell you. A few doctors appointments, acupuncture and a therapy session later, it dawned on me that the reason I was getting NO external validation was because I am not supposed to get validation externally anymore. It was time to trust myself. FOR REALS. Silence from others was not proof that I was wrong about the way I see things. I am not crazy. As soon as I began to accept this I got better.

So that was my last three weeks. If you have been reading my blog for any length of time (and those of you that are actually still here obviously have or else you wouldn't waste your time on this shit. Thank you) you will realize that I have been on the verge of this for a while now. I got started blogging again because I thought I was ready, but I guess I just had this final hurdle to clear. Now that that's, I am pretty sure, over I can get back to it. I still feel like this blog is an important element in my life. Trust me, I weighed the pros and cons again during my little break and I just can't get around it. I am here. Again.
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