Vrrroooom. crash and burn.

Hi! I have been out of town for about a week, and actually tomorrow is my son's last day of school for the summer, so I am not sure how much I will be online this summer really. I sold a few more collections over the past week, I think there are only like two or three left so I am going to ship those final items out tomorrow, along with anything else that might sell today (*wink* *wink* last chance, make an offer) then the etsy shop will be empty and potentially closed for a while, or until I am in desperate need of money in the sometime future (who knows what the future holds). I have a whole bunch of fun family plans this summer, playing at the lake, camping, hiking, biking, stuff like that.  I also plan to establish stronger relationships with my local friends, do some DIY projects that have been sitting on the back burner for a while, and drink some beers on my hammock. Not that any of this is super important or anything, but I guess what I am basically saying is that I will be out for a while. I don't really even think I'll be back to this space in any real way again. I have LOVED blogging, for what it was, over the past year and a half or so and have learned and grown so much from it. I have met some really incredible people, seen some amazing things, and enjoyed some great opportunities. I have been fundamentally changed by this blogging experience. For the better. I have never felt more confident, at peace and accepting of myself than I do right now. I really think that the blogging community helped to grow that in me. Meeting people I feel a kinship with through words is a very powerful thing.

I was going to just end this right there, but you know what, I think I am just going to go all out and throw all of the shit I think about blogging out there. Why not right. It's the end and all. Of course, I'll throw in a little disclaimer since I only know Myself and my own experience and understand that it is likely wildly different from anyone else's and I would never want to pretend that I know someone else's story anyway, SO this is a summary of my blogging experience:

Ahem: When I started blogging I was a very insecure girl. I had just broken up with a girlfriend that basically told me I was a terrible person (who I disagreed with at the time but still felt like shit about) and didn't really have any other friends. I live in a small town and had a huge gate around my heart for various reasons and thought that a good way to fill my time and make money would be to blog, sell vintage and try to make friends on the internet. I was nervous about clothes. I liked strange things and felt like a weirdo when I wore what I liked in real life. When I posted pictures of myself on the internet at places like chictopia and Weardrobe, people seemed very supportive and made me feel less strange. eventually I got some followers on my blog. I could not believe that ANYONE was interested in my shit let alone people in New York or HOLY SHIT!! AUSTRALIA, CANADA, GREAT BRITAIN!! WHOA! I checked my analytics program daily and freaked and gasped at every new reader in every new country.

By January 2010 I was being offered free stuff from people and companies!! People were being so nice to me! I was commenting back on just about every comment I got, following back, favoriting back and blogging daily to keep up momentum (on the blog, Chictopia and Weardrobe). I was staying up till past midnight and up at 5:00 am reading blogs to keep up and return the niceness. I couldn't believe that so many people liked me. I had never been popular AT ALL. I was in fact covered with acne, mousy and a bit plumper and totally uncomfortable my whole life until about the middle of 2009 when I was finally treated for Hypothyroidism and magically thinned out, cleared up and came into my own. All of this attention was unbelievable and completely addictive. At 30 years old, a mother and a wife, living in a little western Nevada town, I was being called chic by awesome people all over the world. I started paying close attention the the numbers. My ego started to get stronger for the first time. My mood started to be affected by how many comments I got on a given post. If I got less one day or fewer votes on an outfit on chictopia I analyzed everything and tried to see what I had done wrong. My findings : shorter skirts, pretty hair, hats, higher shoes, over the knee socks and cool prints got better ratings. Also awesome makeup and a great sense of humor helped. I began to cater to blogworld. I lost myself for a little while.

Then I started getting sick. I was losing sleep thinking about my blog, my outfits, people I had failed to comment back to, my reputation. I was totally self obsessed. A rift began to grow between my family and me. I am not sure when all of this was taking place. I want to say December - like May or June of last year. I tried to scale back.  I felt like a bitch for getting attention but not returning it. The summer brought some pretty major personal problems for me. I was dealing with some heavy things family wise, that put all of the blogging into perspective. I started focusing less on commenting and stopped checking my numbers so much. I stopped reading other blogs except for the ones that were linked to people I actually knew or felt a kinship with. I began to REALLY enjoy blogging in a whole new way. I had less pressure I was putting on myself. I stopped associating my self worth with the attention I was receiving. (Please note, when I began blogging, my personal self worth resembled a ritz cracker. Blogging and attention inflated that cracker to Guinness Book of World Record proportions. It felt great, at first, but I saw the danger in letting my self worth be related to a freaking computer, and clothes, and words.)  I finally began to allow some separation and feeling my worth away from all the blog stuff. I knew the blog couldn't have any power over the way I thought about myself because if it could make me feel good it could also make me feel bad.

In the end of November I had an epiphany. I tried to blog about it, but I don't really think blogging was the best forum for all of that. It was more of a personal discovery and I thought that if I shared it with people reading my blog that maybe it would help others. I thought maybe I had a purpose and a reason for throwing all of my thoughts out into oblivion. . .  and maybe I did. I just typed right out of my heart. I had been doing that anyway all along, but I think I was a little bit more guarded before. Ever since then it has all been different for me. For a while I thought that maybe I had a responsibility to blog and share my thoughts, but I realize that was just residual ego left over from being the oldest child in a family of four. "Be a good example" "Be a role model." "Lead by example."  All the things I was raised hearing. That is just ridiculous. I don't need to feel that responsibility. That feels so . . .  egotistical that I even thought that. I guess I waiver between feeling like I am just fine on my own in my simple little life, to feeling like I have a responsibility to be a part of the larger world, to do something bigger, but through BLOGGING? Really? That is the way I will reach and influence people for the better?  A part of me says yes. maybe. But why?

I tired to do more in my local community but it feels a little like starting at square one. A part of me is lazy. and quiet. and introverted. and a total homebody. OK a huge majority of me. I guess we all want to feel important. We all want to be heard. Like those little Who's in Horton hears a Who or whatever that shit is:  WE ARE HERE! WE ARE HERE! WE ARE HERE!! But if I get to the meat and bones of that, it just feels silly to me. I feel silly. The more distance I get from blogging, the more at peace I feel on my own, the more time I have with the people in my direct life and the more my mind can just be present and see what is right in front of me.

This is just how I feel. I may be a weird bird but whatever. Maybe I am just totally normal and boring and just not very extraordinary . That is totally fine. I shouldn't need people to tell me what I am.  And people telling me things is what got me to this point so maybe I do need that, but I don't want to need that. So VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM . . . there goes my dive bomb. . . crash and burn.  I am sure anyone reading this is not totally surprised.  Please just know that I am fully aware that your reasons and experiences for blogging are probably completely different from mine. I don't judge anyone based on my own shit.  I just thought I would give one last blabla bla. There. I am done. :)

Thank you for reading my thoughts these past months and for leaving your comments. It's had a profound effect on me. :)

Closet Progress

I am ALMOST done with my new closet room!! I picked out paint last Saturday (Martha Stewart brand colors Flagstone and Zinc, but color matched for Behr paint in a flat finish) and while my husband taped everything off, my son and I painted all the low stuff, including a little desk I had in my old closet. We were finished panting by Sunday night.

All day Monday I moved my things from my old closet. There was a whole shit load of purging going on. LOTS and LOTS of trash bags full of stuff that didn't make the cut. It felt really good.

By Monday night it looked like this! The rug is a woven wool I had in another room, the chairs I picked up for $20 for the set at my local thrift store a couple of months ago, the baskets I found for $15 a piece at a local bead store and the little wicker table (as well as some woven wall hangings, not shown) I just found at another local thrift store for a few dollars!  Including the paint, this DIY closet has cost me just over $200!  I still have a ways to go, brainstorming on DIY light fixtures to hang from the 18' ceilings (Thinking of multi colored paper lanterns but I'll need to rig something due to the length of cord I will need), a solution for displaying / storing all of my belts and hats (better than nails in the wall), and the task of hanging my random found woven wall pieces and inspiration board. Also, I am creating an outdoor space on the deck through the French doors! I will be hanging a hammock and I have an outdoor rug, a huge wicker armchair and a bistro table and chairs I have been stashing away! I may also create a little space for outdoor yoga or something. I feel like finally all the stuff I have been squirreling away is coming to good use!  Its all very exciting!

Do you have any suggestions for hanging belts and hats?  I have well over 20 of each. After purging. Hmmm. May need to release more into the wild. We will see. I'll take more photos with my good camera once it is all done!

{EDIT: By the way!! I am not going to add anything else to my etsy shop and I am giving the lots that are still available just one more week to sell. Then that is the end of that. So, If you wanted something, get it before next week, and If you would like to make an offer on a lot (though the items are already at $10 a piece) just convo me in etsy and lets make a deal. I would love to see it sell, but if it doesn't it doesn't. Oh well. New plans. I really appreciate the support you have given me already and am so thankful that so much of it has sold already. It's been a good run. So, Thank You. } 

inspiration board

Random things that are giving me inspiration for my new dressing room. Images found by google searching "powder gray" "rust gray" "rust" "upcycled" or "circuit board boxers".

closet visit

So I am transforming my now empty etsy selling vintage room into a gigantic dressing room / closet. . . and I am SO FREAKING excited!  The room was actually originally a nursery for my son, and connects to my bedroom via private door but also has an additional door that leads to an outside hallway right across from the laundry room, making it a perfect space for a closet room since it is smaller than a bedroom (a twin sized bed would only just fit) but big enough for my industrial sized rolling racks! So now I am brainstorming wall colors and wall papers and hanging lights and shelving options. I am thinking planks of raw wood on industrial shelving brackets, powdery flat gray paint for the walls, inspiration photos covering some surfaces, wooden dowels for hanging hats and belts and scarves, some super amazing rug, a giant mirror leaned against the wall, cushy chair, a clothesline to hang hats on, small tables for accessories!!! All of my shoes lining the walls! I am also doing some MAJOR editing in my closet to give it more of a clean streamlined feel. I think I am more excited about organizing this space than I have been about anything creative for a long time!

All of these images are from closetvisit.com, a site I found recently that is giving me some serious creative mojo. Wow, go check it out. It is basically a site full of super cool girls and their closets. I have spent hours there.

More and Lots to go

 would fit a girl size small (2, 4 or 6)

Would fit a girl size 4 - 6 

 Would fit a girl size 2, 4 or 6. 

 Would fit a girl size 2, 4 or 6

All of these collections will be up for sale in my shop tomorrow between 11:00 and noon! Thanks! Sorry for the brevity!