5.1.10

um, ya.


I discovered something disturbing that reminded me of something I thought I was done thinking about at like 10:30 last night and went to bed a huge ball of anxiety.  I tossed and turned and ran things over in my head over and over.  (Was I in the wrong?  No.  Well maybe?  Well depends on what you mean by WRONG?) I think it was way past midnight when I finally fell asleep and then I slept lightly, dreaming like fever dreams, of my house that I grew up in which had like 9 doors in it that were never locked. In my dream I was running around the house trying to lock the doors but I kept remembering that there were more that were not locked and I was feeling very vulnerable and like someone could break in any time but I knew that They wouldn't even have to break in they could just silently slip in since we didn't keep screens on our billions of windows either.  I remember when I was little the ONE time all the doors just happened to be locked, my sister and I (we never had a house key) just pushed a window open and slid in.  Oh man.  Then this morning when my alarm went off at 6:00 I was so relieved to wake up.  I feel like during the day you can distract yourself by doing dishes and playing music really loud and cleaning and singing, but at night there is nothing but the mind and subconscious reminding you that you are not as chill as you would like to think you are.

My point.  I am not as put together as you may or may not think I am.  This resolution thing, while some letters may be easy and happy, is freaking me out.  My heart is beating so hard right now just thinking of the next card I might draw.  I am freaking out right now.  I need to do some yoga and have some tea. And play some music and dress up and do my dishes and go to the post office and keep blogging and leave comments and fold laundry and maybe put a movie on too.  Shit.  I think I am going to throw up.  get it together.  get it together.  ya. Sorry.  this is my space to do this.  sorry.

{EDIT:  I did some yoga till I sweat out of my ears, bawled my eyes out. pulled it together.  read your comments and am bawling my eyes out again.  seriously thank you.  the thing I have discovered is that there are things I am really good at, like clothes and makeup, but I am crap at people.  IT IS SO TEMPTING to ditch the project, but if I am ever going to be a good friend to ANYONE, I have to do this.  I am sorry to get so serious but in yoga there are these postures I love and are easy for me and I want to just do those, but my instructor tells me that while it feels good to do the greatest hits all the time, the hard postures like dolphin and camel that I HATE are the ones my body truly needs.  so I cry and piss and moan.  but if I don't do them I am doing myself a grave injustice.  this blog has been the perfect outlet for my greatest hits.  Today I am pissing and moaning.  tomorrow, who knows.  thanks for bearing with me.}

40 comments:

Diana said...

This outfit is really beautiful. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much anxiety right now. I hope the yoga/tea/washing dishes/etc helps you to feel better.

ShopKim said...

You may be freaking out (and I'm really sorry to hear that!) but you look FANTASTIC doing it! I really love this outfit.

If the card thing is causing you such anxiety though, is it really worth doing?

Alyson said...

Ugh, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes reaching out to people you haven't kept up with can stir up so many different emotions and that part of it sucks. If I could offer any encouragement, the past is just that, the past. As much as we clench the bottoms of our bellies and wish to change it, we can't.

It is beautiful for you to admit your anxiety, it really is. I hope you can free your mind from it today, and just enjoy today, whether its yoga or tea or whatever!

Erin said...

Girl! I really understand where you're coming from with the "we're not as chill as we think we are" thing. Nighttime can be rough when you've got a lot on your plate. I really admire you for writing those letters.
togandtrappings.blogspot.com

Amanda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amanda said...

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. In my experience, things always get worse before they get better (cliche, maybe, but true). I think once you've done what is making you anxious, you'll feel so much better after.

And I don't think you owe any of us an apology. You're right. This is your space to do this.

D. said...

Whew. I feel that way a lot of the time when I'm dealing with the stress of having a child and trying to get myself through school so that I can make a good life for my child. It is like the thought of what MIGHT happens swallows you up because it is unknown. But think of it this way - with every letter you write, you will be picking one more demon out of your closet so to speak. But, as you know, this is all easier said than done.

Beautiful tights. And I second the yoga and tea thing. Take some time.

Sal said...

Oh doll. As someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, I can completely relate. If the card-drawing project is causing you this much woe, DON'T DO IT! Your well-being is the most important thing in your life. Period.

Amandromeda said...

i really hope you get to feeling better. i think it's great that you are determined to meet this goal even though it is hard for you. just like claree from steel magnolias said "that which does not kill us only makes us stronger." i bet everyone who gets a card from you will totally appreciate it. and just to let you know, i love your outfit today. one of my top two or three. is that a sweater you've belted or a two piece?

Sara Lynn said...

I am glad that you can find things to keep you a little distracted during the day, but it seems that you are way to overwhelmed. :( If you are nervous about the letters, I have a suggestion-not sure if this will work or help, but maybe give it a try?- without looking at the next card, start writing the letter out. Put some nice small-talk stuff (how the weather is. etc) then write a little about what you are up to. That way when you have the persons name that you are going to write to, you have a start, so it is partially over already. Then when you know who it is that you are writing to you can ask them some questions.

I don't know if this will help, but maybe give it a try? good luck, I hope that you get some sleep tonight. :)

Kayla said...

Your whole post sounds like my week! I just feel off and it's hard to get back on with the cold and so much pressure to 'make a better year'. Anyways, your tights are amazing and you look awesome despite how you feel.

Jen said...

I think this time of year brings out that anxious/nervous/jittery thing in lots of people. For me, it's money worries after Christmas that make me sick with panic. But I always get through it unscathed and I know you will too.

Think positive, continue to vent your feelings here and we'll continue to read and listen and be here. Hope you're feeling chirpier now. :)

xx

Senorita Fashionista said...

I think we all go through moments like yours.. I am having a heck of time right now myself-butterflies and all. I hope you feel relief soon!
btw... where is that fabulous dress from?
xoxo Jolie

idée_géniale said...

Oh, don't overwhelm yourself like this! Take it in baby steps and break it down in small little doses.
I know how you feel with this blog thing. I think people would be surprised to find out the things that run through my mind all day, they're not all pretty and clothes and happy and love. I just try not to show it on my blog. Maybe that's wrong and i shouldn't hide, maybe you're right, a blog should be your place to act however your feeling.

Sluff said...

" there are things I am really good at, like clothes and makeup, but I am crap at people"

WOW. Sounds like you were speaking FOR me. Don't feel bad. You know what i think it is? Really creative people have a hard time finding people that are on the same mind-wave frequency as us. It's like we're thinking about all the lovelies of fashion & beauty (not in a materialistic way, more like research & amazement), that our mind simply drifts away from the real word & part of that real world is people. I realized my best friend from childhood had a birthday 3 day after it (& its on NYE...how do you forget that!?). DON'T feel bad. If people don't accept our seemingly-flakey-but-actually-constant-creative-worshipping, than they aren't worth worrying over.

Seval said...

So, we are talking about getting stressed ha? Well, I think I have no cure for that... I have a terrible stress problem (especially these last 10 days of project are killing me!)... But you know all these people and you're exactly caring about them, if not, you wouldn't do that... So, I'm sure, the pleasure of posting each mail every week will be even more... You do look beautiful today too :)

Amy said...

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that you are going through all this anxiety right now. Don't beat yourself up, NO ONE has it together all the time; that is what reminds us that we are human and helps us grow each day into better people. I have the same time of anxiety all the time, but I am trying to learn to just let it go or to channel it in other directions (like Yoga). You are a wonderful person and I hope you find relief soon.

xoxo
Amy

http://thebargainhunterextraordinaire.blogspot.com

P.S. If it helps, I am loving the ease of this outfit. You look so beautiful!

Anonymous said...

Don't let the cards get you all stressed out, Idee is right, take it in small doses. I normally don't comment, but felt you needed a morale boost, so just have to say I love your style. While you don't like to make the blog about but the clothes, I have to say you are gorgeous and I can totally relate to your style and your personality, which is inspiring and wonderful all at the same time. Just listen to your heart and try to focus on the most important things in your life when you are having a bad day. There is always tomorrow.

Always, Lisa

The Daily Fashionista said...

I hope these moments are few and far between for you. I hate anxious feelings. Do the best you can, for your resolution. Keep up with the yoga too. Hot yoga will definitely take the edge off. The heat really relaxes you. Feel better:)

Eyeliah said...

I can definitely relate to this sleepless anxiety. an I am glad you are doing better now. For me the nights is when I worry the most. I have major things I need to get in order!! I am a yogi too, it always helps me. :) I don't know what I'd do without yoga actually, it is the reason I can walk.

Leproust Vintage said...

I am thinking of you today....it totally understand that uneasy and anxious feeling, and wanting to distract yourself/not go to bed so that your mind doesn't lament on it. I hope you are feeling better and more at peace in the days to come. I love that you likened your blog to your greatest hits, and now it is your time to let it out. That is what blogs are for! It is your online diary in one aspect or another.

Sending positive thoughts your way! :)

ru.kurarin said...

i'm glad yoga and tea helped you because i'm an ocean away.

i must admit that if i ever undertook something like this, i would give up on the first day so i really admire you for doing this.

it's really hard but it seems necessary for you to do this and so i hope you do manage to stick it through but beginning is half the battle i think. sometimes when i can't handle things anymore, i just tell myself, just a little bit more and then i'm there and then just a little bit more and then sometimes i push through and breathe a sign of relief.

ah what am i saying? i'm not even doing anything remotely admirable like you are. be well my dear.

ru.kurarin said...

p.s. you have my email! good for rants, rambles, incoherent mumblings and curses. anything.

La Historiadora de Moda said...

Oh, honey! I really hope you are no longer feeling so anxious and stressed! Yoga and tea do always help me. None of us are as put together as we might seem to other people. Big hugs and, as Sal said, if this project keeps causing you so much anxiety, don't do it!

For whatever it's worth, those tights are amazing!

Sidewalk Chalk said...

Firstly, I love your outfit!

Secondly, I hope your anxieties and stress go away soon. No one is perfect, and I think your project is quite admirable. Sending a virtual hug your way! :) - JoAnn, Sidewalk Chalk

Jen said...

you look so beautiful in this outfit and i'm in love with the color palette.
try not to let all that anxiety build up inside of you. it'll only eat you up and eventually explode. stay strong and i'm sure over time you'll overcome your fears. no one is ever as put together as they portray themselves to be. hope you're feeling better :)

Clare said...

I'm sorry you're feeling that kind of anxiety, dear. I've had many an up-all-night-tossing-and-turning-fiasco night, and they are definitely no fun. Just know that people are rarely as put together as they seem, but simply the fact that you care so much means that your heart is in the right place.

Also, you look fantastic. This is such a fun outfit!

Release Karma said...

Nobody really has it all together. We're all allowed to freak out now and then.

I know how you feel. I'm a terrible friend. I'd rather be on my own than with my friends.

Brittany said...

Ok, if I'm ever visiting Nevada and you invite me to stay with you for the night or something, because of this post, I will have to politely decline. I have the biggest phobia of intruders. I go to bed staring at the ceiling for hours if I don't get up and double check that everything is locked up tight.

Enough about me. First of all, for such a stressful day, you look fabulous! I love the maroon, brown, grey, black, and gold together. Such a pretty pallette!

I really hope that yoga and tea did the trick and your letter turned out well. I can imagine how tough it must be, especially if there were some loose ends involved. Your blog family is here for you! <3

*Diane* said...

Lovely outfit. Its unexpectedly charming. Great blog!

~Diane

swampdog said...

"Second Skin", interesting name, and entertaining to watch you "bare" your soul.
Keep up the good work.

Swamp

Ash said...

Aw, you are still one of my favorite bloggers to follow even through your sorrows. The 31 comments above mine are evidence that we are all willing to let you vent when you need to! No judgement ever! And don't apologize! I understand, and I am sure the other 31 commenters do as well!

goldleafashley.blogspot.com

RobinTM said...

You are my favourite blogger and I love watching the outfits you put together and also enjoy reaidng your posts! I would not apologize for feeling not put together sometimes, it happens to all of us!Take care and can't wait to see the outfits and posts to come!

Mad Junkie said...

Anxiety is OVERWHELMING!!! Not to sound insensitive but is this dress from Banana Repulic??? If so, I have it and LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!!!

Otis said...

You look extra special cool in this outfit I gotta tell yuh. I have this weakness for girls in boots.

CherryBlossom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CherryBlossom said...

I just wanted to leave a little comment, while I'm new to the world of blogging and the whole 'pouring your feelings and thoughts for the whole world to read', I really think you're doing a special thing.

Try to think beyond the letters, beyond the people and the past you've shared. Try to imagine what they'll be feeling when they see the handwritten envelope on their front door mat (seriously, who gets handwritten letters anymore? It's lovely getting one out of the blue!)

Try to also imagine how the recipient will feel when they realise the letter is from you, and also their joy at reading your letter. You won't have to say much, and I'm sure not every card will need a deep, soul-searching letter to go with it. Don't be afraid to just start off with simple thoughts that can develop into bigger ideas as you get back into contact with your 52 friends.

I know that you'll have a great time with this resolution, it's a great idea and one your friends will thank you for.

Hope that helps lovely.


CherryBlossom


The Madness of Mundanity

andrea k said...

I'm so in love with this.

andrea k said...

I'm so in love with this.

Annie, Time Enough for Drums said...

I can completely sympathize with your anxiety as it's something I have been suffering from for years. Just remember that you can only do what you can do; just because you can't write a letter this week, doesn't mean you can't next, or that you aren't a wonderful friend to others. Hang in there! Annie.

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